Steam&Ink

2012-01-10T15:21:00.001-08:00

Eleven by Carolyn Arnold
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Eleven is a police procedural thriller based on the investigation of a current serial killer with narcissistic tendencies. It follows the investigation through several viewpoints, but chiefly through the eyes of Brandon Fisher, a trainee special agent.

While I don't normally read police procedurals (and don't tend to watch "CSI"-type shows), I enjoyed Eleven. It moved at a cracking pace, but was still a complex story with several sub plots, such as Brandon's troubled relationship with his wife and his antagonistic mentor. Brandon came across as a well-rounded likeable main character. The other supporting characters were well written, too; I especially liked the supporting characters Zachary and Nadia (both agents).

One issue I had with the Kindle edition of Eleven is that the majority of commas seem to have gone missing when the formatting was done. I am very big on the need for commas to break up sentence ideas and clauses, but often complicated sentences in the Kindle edition would run without a single comma and this made the novel a little harder to read.

All in all: an excellent read, which I'm sure will be a favourite for fans of police procedurals and intelligent suspense novels.

View all my reviews

The Time Travelling Island

2011-12-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

Move over, H G Wells - today Samoa becomes the first nation to time travel.

Yes, indeed, the Pacific island nation Samoa will be time travelling exactly 24 hours - from 29 December to 31 December. Do not pass Friday, do not collect $200.00.

Search me how they're all going to fit in there...

What's It All About?

Samoa has, until today, been toeing the East side of the International Date Line, meaning that it's been one of the last nations in the world to bid adieu to a day, or a year, or in fact a millennium. This has always has been a bit of a nuisance, since the nation's closest neighbours (and trading partners) have generally been on the West side of the Date Line - in other words, while Samoa has been thanking God it's Friday, their nearest and dearest have been getting their Saturday Night Fevah on. And while Samoa has been idling away a Sunday afternoon, other Pacific island nations have been working and trading and stockmarketing in a frenzy of Monday efficiency.

The island nation of Samoa is nothing if not proactive (illustrated by its recent decision to switch to driving on the left side of the road to align with its neighbours). So to address the timing issues, today the country will... well, today the country will do exactly nothing. Because Friday, December 30th, 2011 does not exist for Samoa. They're skipping over it in favour of Saturday, December 31st.

So, while you're out enjoying the post-Christmas sales and finalising your plans for New Year's Eve, spare a thought for Samoa, which doesn't actually exist today...

Gone Time Travellin', Back Saturday

....not to mention those holiday-makers who thought they were getting a seven-day package holiday.

First Reviews Up For Peggy Blair's The Beggar's Opera

2011-12-11T13:05:00.001-08:00

You may have heard read my post a few months back about a friend, Peggy Blair, and her upcoming debut novel The Beggar's Opera. It's a gritty detective mystery set in Havana, Cuba, and will be in bookstores in February (in North America and Europe, I believe).

Here's the blurb, in case you haven't seen it yet:

In beautiful, crumbling Old Havana, Canadian detective Mike Ellis hopes the sun and sand will help save his troubled marriage. He doesn’t yet know that it’s dead in the water—much like the little Cuban boy last seen begging the Canadian couple for a few pesos on the world famous Malecon. For Inspector Ricardo Ramirez, head of the Major Crimes Unit of the Cuban National Revolutionary Police, finding his prime suspect isn’t a problem—Cuban law is. He has only seventy-two hours to secure an indictment and prevent a vicious killer from leaving the island. But Ramirez also has his own troubles to worry about. He’s dying of the same dementia that killed his grandmother, an incurable disease that makes him see the ghosts of victims of unsolved murders. As he races against time, the dead haunt his every step ...

Sounds delish, right? Penguin have given away some advance copies, and the first reviews are in. Check out what other readers thought here.

Free EBooks... Be Still, My Beating Coin Purse

2011-12-11T12:17:00.001-08:00

Many of my friends will know that I am... how can I put this? Slightly careful with money.

Even though I am now part of a DINK household, and we're both on OK incomes (nothing to write home about, I hasten to add), we still have certain behaviours that persist from our Varsity days. I tend to be drawn to second hand clothes stores, we always buy stuff on special, and we'll trawl the internet to get new stuff at a discount from in the stores.

This is especially so with books. Here in New Zealand, books are horribly expensive. You'd expect to pay $25.99 - $31.99 for a paperback novel, and $45.00 or more for any kind of hardcover. So I've tended to buy second hand books and get a lot of use from my library card.

However, since getting my Kindle (on special!) I have been amazed at the amount of books I can download for really low prices. Not just pulpy, badly written stuff - some really good, impressively-written novels.

And all that for as litte as $4.99, $2.99, or even 99c? Wow. Life never looked so good.

Until now, that is...

I've recently joined WoMens Literary Cafe, after discovering their Free E-Book Friday. Yum! Free E-Books every Friday, starting in January. I think you might be asked to provide a review once you've read them (heh, give me something free and then ask to share my opinion? Seriously, where's the catch?).

It all kicks off in January, so if you're of the... ahem, careful persuaion, go on over and sign up!

~ Charlotte

PS I don't run or have any vested interest in WoMen's Literary Cafe, but I do love a freebie

PPS In case you were wondering, "DINK" = Dual Income, No Kids

What Winning NaNo Means To Me

2011-12-01T16:26:00.001-08:00

Another year, another NaNoWriMo challenge over. I crossed the finish line on November 30^th with 50,320 words. **happy dance**

I am of the school of thought that anyone taking part in NaNo is a winner, because they either make a start on a novel, or brush up their writing skills, or start a good daily writing routine – or any of a hundred other benefits that NaNo brings.

However, I am still proud to say that I have reached 50,000 words every year that I have taken part (2009, 2010, and now 2011).

So, if taking part already means I’m a winner, what’s the point of crossing the 50k line? I'm glad you asked, Gentle Reader - it's a question I’ve been mulling over.

First, for me it’s rising to a personal challenge. I feel really satisfied to know that I set myself a goal, and achieved it. I’ve always thought that beating other people at things isn’t so great – at best, it means I’ve managed to find someone who is slightly worse at that particular thing. But beating my own challenges– that’s something special.

Then there’s the feeling of overcoming adversity. There is never a “good” month to write 50,000 words, but November seems to be especially bad. In 2009 for example, I got married, my cat died, and I handed in four 10,000-word Honours papers. I still managed to squeeze over the NaNo finish line. This year wasn’t quite as manic, but I was working full time as a lawyer and feeling like my eight-to-ten hour days were wringing every ounce of creativity out of me.

The final Big Deal is consistency. This is a trait I have struggled with over the years with everything, not just writing (eating healthy, exercise, keeping in touch with family and friend, practising various instruments – seriously, everything). So the knowledge that I have written more or less consistently over the month is fantastic. There were a couple of days where I couldn’t write, and those are the sort of pitfalls that would normally get me right off track. But I kept going, and clawed back my word count.

And now it’s over. And I have 50,000 words of a shiny new novel!

I'm interested: what writing goals do you have, and what does achieving them mean to you?

Help! My Characters Have Turned On Me!

2011-11-26T01:52:00.001-08:00

Right, well I'm either going mad or... no, actually that's the only explanation. You see, Gentle Reader, the characters in my NaNo novel are starting to be mean to me.

I don't deserve it. I slave all day over a hot laptop (yes, actually hot; I think something's on the fritz with it) just to breathe life into their sorry carcasses, and what do I get? Attitude, that's what.

I have my protagonist, who insists on doing a very good impression of a cardboard cutout, and having all the personality of low fat cottage cheese. She's got the makings to be fantastic, but she's determined to be ho-hum.

Then there's protagonist number two, and he kind of is being a number two at the moment. He's gone decidedly creepy on me. I mentioned earlier that he was coming across a bit Oedipal; now I can add to the list breaking and entering a widow's house in search of drugs and licking a girl's face at a formal dance. Not to mention the habit he has of wandering around Victorian London half-dressed (on a brighter note, because of his indecent habits I have learned that "pizzle" is an old-fashioned word for penis).

Then there's the antagonist, who spends more time reading the newspaper than anyone I've ever met. It's my fault, really. I was determined he wouldn't come off as a comic evil genius type. So he reads the paper a lot instead. Exciting stuff.

And then I have a whole cast of extras, who generally walk on scene, slowly go insane, and walk off again. I don't think there's a single one of my characters whose mental health I am not concerned about.

But the worst happened tonight, when my characters actually stopped the scene and started critiquing it. It was supposed to be a clever, picking-up-the-pieces scene where Constable Michael Connelly recreates, with the help of witnesses, a face off betwen the two protagonists form the night before.

Creeper man, in a drug-induced mania, had been pursuing cardboard cutout girl through the London docks. She'd ducked into a boat building warehouse, and had climbed onto a ship in dry-dock. Apparently creeper man had attempted to burn the ship to smoke her out:

“That’s when he started the fire. T’was all so fast. Onemoment he had this oil lamp, that we’d left there from the afternoon, hesmashed it against the sloop.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Michael Connelly said,stopping and staring at the author. “The girl could just have leapt off theship and run away before the fire took hold.”
“Mebbe she climbed the mainsail first, so that she was stuckup in the crowsnest?” The bearded man offered. “That would make more sense,especially as I’m about to say she made a magnificent leap and swung on the endof a rope like a pendulum across the warehouse.”
“I think your main problem,” the tall man said, “is yourterminology. Are you certain you even know what a sloop is?”
“And would a ship in dry dock really have a mainsail?”Connelly added. He scratched at his neck. “Wouldn’t they take the canvases downas they fixed it? You probably mean that pole in the middle of the ship thatthe sail is tied to, which I can’t possibly know the name of if you don’t.”
“I sergest you go Wiki it,” the bearded man offered. “Go on– we’ll abide here in the meantime.”

Argh. The worst part is, they're right: I'm not even sure that I do mean a sloop, and I'm pretty sure a mainsail is the canvas flappy thing that hangs off the big mast ("mast" being the word that neither Connelly nor I could remember at the time).

~ Charlotte, going slightly mad (but at least I'll meet most of my characters when I get there)

The Business End of NaNoWriMo

2011-11-24T14:11:00.001-08:00

The other day I was having coffee with a dear friend, and she asked me how NaNoWriMo was going.

"Well," I said, in a devil-may-care-manner, "I'm six thousand words behind target, but I'm not worried. I've never lost a NaNo challange yet."

She nodded, obviously very impressed with my cavalier confidence. She even seemed not to notice that my coffee cup shook as I set it back in the saucer.

Happily, Gentle Reader, I am no longer six thousand words behind target. After a mammoth effort and some wordage of questionable quality, I am now only 5,666 words behind target.

Hmmm.

The issue, I think, is that time has a terrible habit of zipping by when I'm not watching. Just when I think I'm catching up nicely, one day tips into the next, and suddenly I have to play catch-up plus 1,666 more words.

It doesn't help, Gentle Reader, that I live at the cutting edge of time zones. This is a fact that usually brings with it a perverse and illogical smugness: Sarah Palin may be able to see Russia from her house, but I can see TOMORROW from mine, etc. However, in November my chronological advancement means only one thing: NaNoWriMo ends a day earlier for me.*

So at present I have six days (including today) to get tothe 50k mark. I currently have just over 36k, so that's 14k in six days, which is... carry the 2... 2,333 words each day.

Right. Well, that's do-able.

After all, I've never lost a NaNo challenge yet. *cue nervous rattle of coffee cup in saucer*

Slinking off to NaNoLand,

Charlotte

* I know exactly what you're about to say, Ms Mathematics. Nobody counts the extra day I have at the start.

Books, Jim, But Not As We Know Them...

2011-11-11T01:38:00.001-08:00

As some of my writer friends will know, I have recently purchased myself a Kindle. Yes, admittedly I was for years one of the "Eww, e-books, how sterile and dreadful" people. I talked about the tactile experience of printed novels, the satisfying heft of them in my hand, the nostalgic smell of the binding glue.

So what's changed? Nothing, really; I still like books you can use to tone your biceps, and I can still occasionally be found in a quiet area of the library, furtively sniffing at book bindings.

However, you can't beat an e-reader for convenience. That baby slips right into my handbag and barely weighs more than my makeup bag (I realise I'm inviting jokes about wearing a tonne of makeup!). I can store hundreds of novels on my Kindle, and - I'm told - I can even subscribe to magazines in e-book format. What's more, because I take it with me everywhere, I read more: I actually use those annoying five-minute down times when I'm waiting to pick up my husband, or sitting at the doctor's, to zip through a book.

I'm downloading my books from Amazon and Smashwords at the moment (if there are other amazing sites I should know about, please share). And today I did my first batch of reviews on Smashwords! (Still haven't figured out how to log back into Amazon to complete the reviews... why do I ever vary my passwords?!)

One thing I realised as I wrote the reviews, is how careful I am now that I am a writer. In my former life, as a non-writer but prolific reader, I was probably a lot more cavalier about reviews - or I didn't bother to write them at all. But now my attitude is Hey, this person put their heart and soul - and craploads of time - into writing this novel/short story. The least I can do is write a fair and balanced review.

The dreadful knowledge that comes with being a writer is that Critiques Are Scary. It doesn't matter if it's a friend's once-over of your draft, a beta-reader's crit, or a read from an agent. They're all scary, and they can all cut right to the bone.

I tread, therefore, lightly. My method is to pretend that I had written the novel, and see how I would feel if I read the review. It leads to some carefully-chosen words and several edits before I finally feel justified in hitting "Submit."

How about you, Gentle Reader? Do you find the time to write reviews? If you're a writer as well as a reader, has it chnaged the way you treat reviews?

PS NaNoWriMo Update: After a marathon effort today to play catch-up, my word count is 18 766, which, as the helping NaNo calculator tells me, is 1706 per day since November 1st!

Basking in the glow of her own verbosity,

~ Charlotte

Ten Percent Mark!

2011-11-03T02:16:00.000-07:00

Today was Day 3 of NanoWriMo. Now my math skills aren't the best, but I figure:

Day 3 = 10% of the way through November = 10% of the way through 50k words = 5,000 words

And blow me down, I've scraped in at 5,666!

Yes, I did consider writing one more word so it wouldn't end in "666," but then I reflected that my scene involved:

A man being strangled to death;
references to avenging angels;
a black poodle called Iblis

So I figured that it probably was a fitting word count.

And now all that demonic bahaviour has worked up an appetite. I'm off to eat chocolate, the snack of Nano-champions.

Oh, umm, do I have favouritse bit of scribble today? Probably this:

He heard a sound, like the unfurling of a canvas sail from overhead. There was a slap as a line landed just yards from his feet. A second later a sudden winding noise and there alighted before him a young woman, dressed in men’s trousers and vest.
They gazed at one another for a moment, surprised. She was pink of cheek, as if from the exertion, and her lips were parted. Freddie could see a sheen of sweat on her top lip.
“Who the hell...?” He glanced at the man standing across from them. “What the divvil’s going on here?”
The fellow puffed on his pipe and seemed unfazed. He gave a small nod to the young woman.
She blinked at Freddie. Her right hand fumbled at her belt, releasing her from the line she’d sailed down on. Her gaze slid to the man – her master, Freddie thought, and for some reason the thought made his insides liquid.
“Come on,” the palsied fellow sighed.
“Wait. I...” Freddie experienced a moment of dreadful clarity, and realised that there were some things that were worth more than thirty guineas. He stepped backwards, darted one more look at the girl, and turned on heel.

Unfortunately, Freddie turned out not to be much of a sprinter!

PS Ten internet points to anyone who can knows where the black poodle reference comes from. I'll give you a clue: that particular furry character was suggested by my German husband.

Word Count = 3375

2011-11-02T01:29:00.000-07:00

I had intended to start every NaNo day on a new document, so that I could easily see exactly how many words I had written on any given day. The theory worked for... umm... *counts on fingers*.... exactly one day.

Never mind; at least now it's easier to have a running tally!

By my calculations, I should have 3332 words, so I'm slightly ahead of the game. Some of my NaNo buddies are really kicking it already, with word counts of six or seven thousand. Very impressive. But as for me and my laptop, we're going more tortoise than hare this year. As long as I get my 1667 each day, and maybe a handful more on the weekends, I'll be happy.

Today I wrote a creepy scene introducing the protagonist's stalker, a troubled physician called Henry. I realised after I wrote the scene that Henry's complex relationship with his mother was almost coming across... how shall I put this? A little Oedipal, which is not what I intended. Oh well, editing's a job for December!

Anyway, once he'd finished having an ambiguous conversation with his Mama, poor old Henry indulges in his favourite pasttime:

As the fluid turned the colour of molasses, he placed the end of the needle into the puddle, and drew it gently into the syringe. The surface of the silver syringe bloomed a sheen of moisture as the fluid’s warmth reacted with the cool tube.

Henry rolled the narrow tube between his fingers, relishing the warmth of it. As a bubble of dark fluid oozed from the end of the needle, he carefully lifted the tea caddy and peered beneath it.

The rat gazed back at him, his small eyes dark and unreadable.

“Well now,” Henry said, smiling at the creature. “It just might be that you’re the lucky one.”

And... they're off!

2011-11-01T01:47:00.000-07:00

First day of NaNoWriMo - check!

I was aiming to break the 1,666 mark - gently does it. I managed 1842 before I got to the end of my creative tether. My novel is set in 1857, so I probably should have held out for another 15 words just for the symbolism, but my love of symbolism is no match for my inherent laziness.

My favourite snippet from today's mad typing spree:

She pressed her lips together. It was so like Abbott. He prided himself on being a professional, yet he had a sense of recklessness, a taste for risk. It put Ella in mind of a child, a boy on the back of a makeshift hobbyhorse, hurtling his way down a staircase. How his mother must have caught her breath to see little Abbot skipping down the stair risers, one simple stubbed toe away from falling, one misstep from tumbling and breaking his neck.

Happy Halloween (aka All NaNo's Eve)

2011-10-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Like many writers I'm poised on the precipice of November's Festival of Madness, NaNoWriMo. 30 days and 30 nights of novelling craziness begins tomorrow. If all goes to plan I will have 50,000 words by midnight on November 30th.

Technically for me it's already started, but I wont be able to write word one until I finish work tonight.

Am I stressed? Nope. Not at all. Naaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

Well, a little.

But anyway, Chocks Away! as Ms Earhart would say :) If you're taking part, feel free to add me to your Buddy List (I'm masquerading under the alias hummingbirdchen over there, or you can search by my novel name, Cirque Noir)

Quite Possibly The Best Writing Resource, Ever (Part One)

2011-09-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it: I'm sort of stingy when it comes to buying stuff.

My theory is that I'm suffering from post-traumatic stinginess due to the horrors of several years as an impoverished student (I prefer this theory to the one which suggests that stinginess is just my inherent character flaw).

Whatever the root cause, for a long time I have tended to borrow books from the library, read them and then, if they are particularly good, buy them. As William Gerhardie said, "If a book is worth reading at all, it is worth reading more than once." In my opinion this is especially the case with expensive non-fiction books, which can be amazing resources if they're well written, and not much more than a paperweight if they're not.

The point is, today I'm doing a shout out for a book that's been on my shelf for some years. I first got it out from the library and was so impressed that I ordered it from my local bookstore within days. I consider it a truly valuable writer's resource. It's called Make A Scene: Crafting A Powerful Story One Scene At A Time, and is written by author/editor/writing coach Jordan Rosenfeld.

The book has pride of place in my resource shelf, between such heavy hitters as Strunk & White, and Stephen King's On Writing.

Rosenfeld works on the premise that each scene should be perfectly crafted in its own right, with all the necessary elements to absorb a reader into the story. Of course, each scene should also lead the reader gently through to the next, and serve its purpose in terms of pace, story telling and tension.

Why is the book so great? Well, in my opinion, its structured approach makes the book helpful and user-friendly. Rosenfeld break the book into four parts:

Architecture of a Scene (where she describes scenes as having their own beginning, middle and ends, and what purpose each part serves)
The Core Elements and the Scene (Setting, Senses, Dramatic Tension, and so on)
Scene Types (where she dissects everything from Dialogue Scenes to Climactic Scenes)
Other Scene Considerations (Multiple Points of View, the Protag's Emotional thread, Scene Transitions)

All in all, I've found this book to be the most helpful resource in my writing journey (amidst some tough competition). Kudos to you, Ms Rosenfeld!

You will have noticed that this blog post title is appended with "Part One." I'll be canvassing writer friends about their own "Quite Possibly The Best Writing Resource, Ever," and will bring you the results shortly. Meanwhile, Gentle Reader, if you have a writing resource that's begging for a mention, I'd love to hear about it!

~ Charlotte

A fellow blogger has informed me that she is having trouble commenting on my blog - is this happening to you? I'm working on a fix, and in the meanwhile feel free to email me charlotte.ivory@gmail.com (thanks to Peggy Blair for the heads-up)

Tagged! Ten Random Facts About Me

2011-09-25T02:21:00.000-07:00

A game of tag has been making its way throughout the blogging community, and today I was tagged by the fantastic and funny Dana. To play, all you need to do is be tagged (see my list of "victims" below!), write a list of ten random facts about yourself, and then tag more people. Fun!

Here are my completely random facts. Enjoy!

1. I left #1 until last, because I thought I should start this list with a bang, and figured by the end I would have thought of something AMAZING... Not so much.

2. Sometimes I just click "next blog" on my own blog to see what random stuff I can discover. There are some weird and wonderful things out there in the blogosphere; you should try it some time. (Not yet though - read the rest of this post. It gets better, I promise.)

3. I harbour a secret desire to compete in roller derby (blame Drew Barrymore and Whip It!), but I have the WORST sense of balance on roller skates. Le sigh.

4.When I was a kid I had OCD-like habits. I was never able to walk on the cracks on the footpath, but even more, I couldn't walk on imaginary cracks that extended from the corners of walls, kerbs, etc. Eventually I think my feet got too big so I had to quit it!

5. I would love to have blonde dreadlocks like these:

I just don't know if I could get away with it at the office...

6. I'm learning salsa dancing. Slowly. And badly.

7. I take eight vitamin pills a day. It started as a one-a-day Vitamin B habit, but then my gym instriuctor told me "everyone" should take a multi-vitamin, and the bottle said two of those a day, and then there's the omega-3 fish oil (for healthy skin and coat, or something), and then I started working fulltime and decided I needed better quality sleep, so I started taking natural hops before bed... and so it went on. Nowadays, if you shake me, I rattle. But in a very healthy way.

8. I am on a seven-year quest to find the perfect stylist in my home town. (I used to have the perfect stylist, but then she switched salons. I've been hopping from salon to salon since then, a la Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap)

9. Apropos Quantum Leap, that was one of my first can't-miss TV shows as a youngster, along with The Young Riders.

10. Apropos of The Young Riders, I always thought Stephen Baldwin was the yummiest of the Baldwin brothers.

It was his sassy attitude that made me love him

I hope that was random enough! I'm tagging three great writers whose blogs I love:
1. Laurie

2. NiaRaie

3. Carolyn Arnold

Have fun!

Writing Groups - or, When You Go Looking For Criticism, You'll Probably Find It

2011-09-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

... not that it's always a bad thing!

I have heard very mixed reports from writer friends about writing groups, and it's easy to be left scratching your head as to how you find a good one and - let's face it - whether it's worth it.

If you, like me, have been toying with the idea of joining a writing group but don't want to be burned, I highly recommend reading this post by Terry Guiliano Long: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly (links to her blog).

~ Charlotte

If you only read one blogpost today...

2011-09-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

(besides mine, of course)

...this should be the one: File Under: Blinding Silver Linings

And then count your blessings...
And THEN sign up for NaNoWriMo 2011!

** Quote of the day: "I should warn you: that’s one of those Wikipedia pages that links to seven zillion other cool Wikipedia pages and suddenly it’s 45 minutes later and you have no idea how you ended up reading about the Royal Family of Luxembourg." **
~ thanks for the "so true" moment, Sarah Mackey!

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-09-11T19:00:00.001-07:00

Thinking of you, New York City...

Plus sa change, plus ca NaNoWriMo...

2011-08-31T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have a problem: I am a beggar for punishment.

All my blog friends can attest to the fact that, since landing a full time job, I have been a blogging Dead Zone. It is not, I hasten to add, because I don't love my blogosphere pals. Indeed, I have been neglecting everything: My writing, Twitter, exercise, my RL buddies... heck, even my hairdresser has forgotten what I look like.

You can hardly blame her for not recognising me

So you might say there aren't enough hours in the day. (Or you might say that being a lawyer sucks every ounce of creativity out of one's body... but who am I to abuse the job which is keeping the kittehs in their fancy cat food?)

AND YET.... And yet, my darling blogosphere friends, I am once more eyeing up NaNoWriMo. If you don't know what NaNoWriMo is, please check out my informative post "Mummy, why is that lady muttering to herself?" here. If you already know what NaNoWriMo is, you will be shaking your head sadly and preparing to send a sympathy card to my Handsome Husband, or, as he will soon be known, the Writer's Widower.

I haven't signed up for it yet - indicating, I like to think, some scrap of common sense still remains in my dessicated brain. But I'm seriously thinking about it...

Writers, and thinking-about-becoming-writers, are you tempted to do it this year? What other commitments are you juggling? Please fill me in, and make me feel a little less mad about committing to this thing...

~ Charlotte, lining up with Mrs Rochester and Blanche Dubois in the Crazy Lady Parade

How Marie Claire improved me as an author (and it's not what you think)

2011-07-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

Gentle Reader,

I was reading the blog Two Whole Cakes today, the blog formerly known as Fatshionista.com. As you might guess from the name, it's written by Lesley Kinzel, a gal who is confirmedly overweight. (She's also gorgeous, smart and hilarious, and has recently decided to wear only dresses and skirts from now on, which is how I found her blog in the first place.)

So, I stumbled on one of her archived posts: "Who Wants To See Happy Fat People In Love? Not Marie Claire!" Basically it was an outraged reply to a Marie Claire blog article saying that fat people were gross, and they shouldn't be kissing one another in TV or - heaven forfend - real life. Go ahead and read it now, if you like - I'll wait.

**waits**

Right, so you see what I mean. The Marie Claire lady was talking specifically about Mike & Molly, a sitcom about two overweight people who fall in love, etc. Apparently the blog article author found the whole thing a bit icky, because it was fat folks getting the action, and not thin people, like (one presumes) her.

It got me thinking about fair portrayals of fat people in the media, and then - of course - of fat people in novels, and finally - double of course - of fat people in my novels. How often are they there without being the token overweight perons? Going on dates, helping to solve crimes, volunteering at the Animal Shelter?

How do I, personally, treat overweight people in my novels? Could I look my overweight friends in the eye and say "In my novels I have never created characters that would annoy or offend you with cliches?"

Now, I know what you might say: "For dog's sake, Charlotte; we're novelists - we're here to offend people! If they don't make people uncomfortable, our novels are no better than a bowl of unsalted potato soup."

And I agree with that. We can't expect to write something edgy if we don't offend someone. But to offend them with a cliche? That, to me, shows the cardinal sins of authors: laziness and lack of imagination.

I tend to have a variety of characters, but I think I could do better. And I think my novels would be richer for it. So, my resolution for my next novel is to write in what you might call "non-Hollywood" characters (overweight, transgender, or an unusual minority, for example) who are there Just Because: Just because there are Somalians living on my street. Just because the man who works at the mall always wears girls clothes (and looks pretty stylish, I might say). Just because fat people are happy, and in love, and snog one another like everyone else.

Charlotte xxx

PS Here's the link to the Marie Claire artcicle, too. You'll notice that the author took a hammering on her post, and has written an apology that I would say took some grace and guts.

Anyone else having trouble with Blogspot?

2011-07-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

For some reason I can't reply to comments... weird. I'm not ignoring you!

One Room, No Waiting

2011-07-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

This blog should have been written last night. I really, really, really planned to do it...

But something happened. And that something was Room by Emma Donoghue.

(Here comes the blurb.)

Jack is five, and excited about his birthday. He lives with his Ma in Room, which has a locked door and a skylight, and measures eleven feet by eleven feet. He loves watching TV, and the cartoon characters he calls friends, but he knows that nothing he sees on screen is truly real - only him, Ma and the things in Room. Until the day Ma admits that there's a world outside...

And yes, as you may have guessed from the title of this post, I read the entire book in one day.

These days, reading a book in one day is so rare for me as to deserve a hallelujah. I put it down to Room having a strong narrative, a sympathetic main character, and a compelling stroyline. Oh, and did I mention it was written in a very readable manner? Nothing fancy, no gimmicks. Just plain old easy reading. Bravo, Emma Donoghue!

So now I'm interested - which novels have you read in one sitting, and why?

Do You Know What's Funny? Well, That Makes One Of Us

2011-06-26T18:57:00.000-07:00

Comedy. Ah, that turned-up smiley face mask. So much nicer than Tragedy.

And yet so damned elusive...

As some of you will know, my current work in progress is a satire novel, Peering Up The Trouserleg of Giants. My previous novels have had humorous overtones, but they have not been out-and-out humour novels.

Honestly, Gentle Reader, I don't know what possessed me. Being funny is damned hard work. The hilarious material I write one day (oftentimes giggling maniacally at my own cleverness), suddenly becomes pale and insipid the next day. As my husband reads through my current work, I sit tensely, unable to concentrate on anythign else, ears pricked for the slightest sound of laughter. A snort? A giggle? Anything would do.

Eventually, of course, he does laugh, and then I - unable to help myself - ask "What? What was it?" But half the time he's likely to say something like, "Oh, I just saw the cat do something funny." And then, of course, I'm plunged into the depths of despair, that not only is my writing not funny, but it's not even diverting enough to keep his mind off the darned cat.

So why do I do it? Well, every now and then you get a kick. Once in a while you read through a scene that was funny when you write it and -blow me down - it's still funny now. Occasionally my husband will laugh out loud, and when I ask him nervously what the cat did, it turns out that he was guffawing over some sparkling piece of wit that I - yes, I - came up with!

Those little moments make humour writing worth it. Now, if I can just figure out how to achieve them wholesale...

The Middle Way

2011-06-23T03:05:00.000-07:00

So, the Buddhists have this concept called The Middle Path or The Middle Way. It's all about striking a happy balance between a life of sensual indulgence (yummy, but causes indigestion and regrets) and a life of extreme self-denial (puritanical and wholesome, but puh-lease....) The Buddha apparently promoted a happy medium - a little from Column A, a little from Column B, and voila - there you have a happy well-rounded human being.

Anyhoo, my point (and, as Ellen would say, I do have one) is that I've decided to go with Buddha on this one. As many of you now know, I have a job (hurrah!). It is brilliant, but time-consuming and tiring. After a long day at work, I can barely bring myself to do normal things (make dinner, feed the cats, take out the trash) - let alone be creative witty and wonderful enough to write novels AND blog.

But I don't want to give anything up (yeah, that's me to a "T"!). So my new plan is The Middle Way: write a little on weeknights, and use the weekends to blog and get some meaningful writing done.

It will mean I will blog only once or twice a week, but I figure that's OK - unlike my amazing blogger friends in the author blogosphere, I'm lucky if I have even ONE pearl of wisdom each week.

Anyway, I hope you will stop by on Mondays (or anytime through the week) and say hello! I'll be doing most of my blog-stalking on the weekends, so watch out for me then!

From beneath the dusty pages of Appeal Court decisions,

Charlotte xxx

Work-Life Balance? Yeah, Right.

2011-06-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

To my darling blogger friends

Who’ve noticed I’ve been away;

I promise I will make amends

But when, I cannot say.

A law firm, bless their cotton socks,

Has given me a job.

I’ve become a gal in a power suit,

From a track-pant-wearing slob.

So now I’ve joined the happy rank

Of those in gainful employ;

But though I no longer fear my bank

There’s a sadness to my joy.

Yes, it’s good to have some cash

But there’s one TEENSY flaw;

There’s such a lot of hours to work

On the “right” side of the law!

Monday to Friday I toil away

On paperwork, letters, and files;

And when I get home I flop on the couch

And sleep between laundry piles.

I have no time to bake a cake –

I have no time to jog;

I have no chance to visit the gym

Or even update my blog :(

And don’t get me STARTED on writing!

The words I’ve managed are few.

(And when you divide the words by days

The figure’s about twenty-two.)

But, Reader, one day I shall conquer

This elusive work-life strain;

I will bake, jog, work and write my novel

If it damned well explodes my brain!

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-06-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Lesson learnt: never ignore battery light...

Notes to self

2011-05-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

Gentle Reader,

I’m currently writing the second draft of my urban fantasy satire, Peering Up The Trouserleg of Giants. As I have previously mentioned, my second drafts are generally a combination of editing extraneous wordage, smoothing over rough edges of scenes, and dealing with continuity issues.

However, on this occasion what I inherited from me-two-months-ago could accurately be described as "a dog’s breakfast”. It needs a lot of work. I went through it the first time and made good use of the “Comments” function, to point out where things needed a bit of tinkering under the hood.

If you don't use the Comments, you really should - they're a little like those passive-agressive sticky notes you used to leave on the fridge for your flatmates.

Some of my comments are of a practical nature, and could befiled under "constructive criticism":

Um, I don’t think the MC even has a niece

You can’t be talking about Fergus; he’s an orphan

Coronation Street is older than that!

Others (as my eyes get progressively more tired) are short and snappy, to the point of being terse:

Scene needs completion!

Incomplete sentence!

Not Christmas songs!

Check the day!

And then there are the snarky ones, which tend to begin with a know-it-all “Actually...” you can just imagine the tone of voice when you read these ones:

Actually, you said before that they would come the previous afternoon

Actually, he’s in the cafeteria

Actually this is the afternoon

Actually THIS SHOULD BE IN LATIN

Sigh. Is this normal? I don't know... but I guess I better get back to it, before I’m forced to write leave myself another passive-aggressive Comment…

Attempted Murder, but Failed Miserably...

2011-05-22T03:06:00.000-07:00

So, as my last post so subtly mentioned, it was my birthday on Thursday. My wonderful husband took me away on a surprise long weekend to Queenstown, a resort town in the South Island of New Zealand. (If this sounds amazingly exotic and extravagent, I probably should tell you that we are lucky enough to live in the South Island of New Zealand, only about six hours drive from Queenstown.)

Lake Wakatipu, with the Steamship TSS Earnslaw

Queenstown in Autumn is AMAZING

So many cafes, so little time...

The mountains in the background are called The Remarkables!

Now, being a writer, I'm naturally weird. And being a writer of murder-mysteries, the condition is even worse. So what do you think I was doing while strolling through the gorgeous, autumnal splendour of this picture-perfect area?

I'll tell you. I was thinking: Gee, this would be a great setting for a murder. (No, my husband hadn't just told me I looked fat in my new jeans.)

Actually, this isn't the first time I've had these holiday urges to kill someone (a non-fictional someone, I hasten to add). When I was in Surfer's Paradise in Australia last year, I spent half the time noting the places where a person could be killed. It's a gorgeous beachside communty, which is simultaneously family-friendly and seedy - loads of amusement parks and restaurants, beautiful beaches, dodgy night clubs and way too many casinos. To the horror of my long-suffering husband, I also insisted on sharing these gems with him ("That woman could push her friend off the edge of that viewing platform... Someone could mess with the safety switch on the Superman ride... I don't like the look of the swordfish...").

Anyway, I've toyed with the idea of writing a series about murders in resort towns. Sort of a modern version of Murder on the Nile. It would be fun, and combine armchair-travel with a rollicking good mystery. And of course, the on-location research would be a bonus :)

The thing that's stopped me is the plausibility issue.

Any series of books needs something to tie it together, and generally that's the protagonist. For a series of mysteries, the protagonist is usually the sleuth: either a professional detective or an amateur sleuth. But what are the odds of the sleuth being in all those resort communities at the time a murderis committed? Sure, if s/he was a police officer and worked in Surfers Paradise, that makes sense. But how do you make the crossover? Will the reader believe that the detective goes on her annual vacation to another resort town, and just happens to stumble on another resort-town murder? Maybe you could get away with that once (and I'm not even sure you could) but certainly not twice. It would strain the credulity of any reader.

So, perhaps not a professional detective: then I started thinking about a jet-setting amateur sleuth. That would explain why she's in so many resort towns. But again, what are the odds of her always being around when a murder happens? It might have been OK back in Miss Marple's day, but the modern reader is more sophisticated and needs to have some plausibility.

So then I got really lateral (some might say desperate), and came up with a modern jet-setter who was ALSO a detective-for-hire. But why would local police send for this person, I wondered? He would have to have some very special skill that no one else possessed, locally. OK, how about this: he's an Aspergers syndrome sufferer, with a savant-like genius for languages. This means he can fluently speak any number of languages, making him ideal for interviewing tourists witnesses from all corners of the globe. So when the resort town police have witnesses, victims and suspects from all over the globe, they send for my guy.

Hmm. I guess it solved some problems. But it also added more, such as writing a convincing Aspergers syndrome character, and explaining why this person was also an independently wealthy jet-setting detective. And I thought, would I read this book if I found it on a shelf in the bookstore - or does it just seem like it's trying too hard? Sadly, I concluded the latter. Sigh.

Anyway, if you have come up with a compelling and convincing way of tying together a series of resort town murder novels - let me know when they come out in stores! I will be first in line to buy them!

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's my BIRTHDAY! (Repeat, ad nauseum)

Tuesday Tangle: The Strangest Speed Date Ever

2011-05-16T15:23:00.000-07:00

Today's tangle is two puzzles - one fairly straight-forward, the other more difficult. I couldn't figure out the second one until it was explained to me, so well done to you if you manage it!

The Strangest Speed Date Ever

Mallory, tired of spending her Saturday nights sitting on the coach and watching reruns of bad movies, decided to give speed dating a try. But on the first attempt, all she seemed to meet were weirdos...

Her first speed-date partner, Ewan, was odd. He told her straight off that he liked balloons, but hated parties. She asked him if he liked books, and he said yes – but he didn’t like reading. When the conversation turned to sport, Ewan told her that he liked swimming, but didn’t like water.
Weird, Mallory thought. “Do you like towns or villages?” she asked.

What did Ewan say?

Hint: (scrollover to reveal) If you’ve never come across one of these puzzles before, they can be maddening. Look at the names of the things Ewan does like, and see if you can spot any similarities.

Next Mallory talked to Gerald, a biologist. He liked toads but not frogs. He said he ate berries, but not fruits. He liked the colour orange, but not purple.

Uh-oh; another live one. Mallory changed the subject to poetry.

Can you figure out whether Gerald likes Byron or Shelley?

(Solution below)

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

Bats flying out of my wallet...

Goals Goals Goals - The Second Attempt

2011-05-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

Weird... I published a post called "Goals Goals Goals" a few days ago, and somehow Blogspot ate it. As is always the way, it was the ONE post I didn't save a copy of!

Anyway, here is take two, for better or for worse:

Gentle Reader,

I feel like we're constantly told how important goal setting is. But if you're anything like me, your New Year's Resolutions didn't survive January.

Once upon a time (2007) I found a pretty cool site named 43 Things. It calls itself "The world's largest goal-setting community" and invites participants to:

Join over 3 million people who list their goals, share their progress, and cheer each other on.

Back then, I chose a bunch of goals, and promptly forgot about it for four years. The cool thing is that when I rediscovered the site, I could tick off a bunch of things (like graduate Law school!).

Why it's called 43 Things (as opposed to 10 Things, or 100 things), I don't know. I have only 30 Things on my list at the moment, which range from the straight-forward ("plant out the garden bed") to the complicated and long-term ("start my own consultancy").

Just to prove that people are people, no matter where they're from, here are the top 10 popular goals, according to the site:

lose weight (40,055 people
write a book (29,511 people)
stop procrastinating (29,466 people)
Fall in love (26,835 people)
be happy 924,158 people)
Get a tattoo (22,019 people)
go on a road trip with no predetermined destination (20,797 people)
get married (20,702 people)
travel the world (20,486 people)
drink more water (20,390 people)

Any of those sound familiar?

And here are the ten most recently-added goals:

Paint nails every week
Post 100 looks at Lookbook.nu
Stop with swear-words
Reading everyday
Have success in my career
Care better for my skin
Practice jazz/pilates/yoga
Get a webdesign course
Improve my music selection
Buy a good camera, with good resolution

Fun, right? I sometimes like to just puddle around and get inspired by other people's goals. The trouble is, I'm such a victim of peer pressure that I tend to get carried away - 43 Things is the reason I am now enrolled in a Wednesday-night ice-skating class...

PS. Thanks to the people who left a comment on the original post - which I was able to access from my email inbox:

Trisha has left a new comment on your post:

Usually my New Year's resolutions don't survive. But this year was easier - they're all writing resolutions, and I've been doing really well so far. :D Even have my own "Goals" page on my blog!

Hey Trisha, I've seen some of your goals on your blog - I must say I am impressed by your dedication. We could all take a leaf from your book!

DearHelenHartman has left a new comment on your post:

Ice skating in summer, a lofty goal indeed. I salute you! Love the thought for the day. Like most writers realizing a lot of my goals lie in someone else's hands.

Hi Helen, actually I'm in New Zealand, so we are heading into Winter right now! My timing is impeccable: by the time I have skated enough NOT to look like a new-born deer on the ice, it will be summer time! :)

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-13T15:17:00.001-07:00

Blogspot ate my latest post! Weird...

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

Wine overindulgence! Regrets? I have them.

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-04T18:33:00.000-07:00

Off to see Scream IV tonight!

aaaargghhhhhh

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Just five pounds to Goal Weight!

Me at goal weight in 2005 (yes, I'm sucking in the belly!)

It's All About Me(me)

2011-05-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

I was twitter-tagged for this meme by the lovely Dana from The Daily Dose. What, you didn't know I had a twitter feed, until I happened to drop it into conversation? Well, I absolutely do! You can follow me by clicking on that buttony thing down the right-hand side. And while you're at it, why not follow Dana too? (she's @raineerose)

If you could go back in time and relive one moment, what would it be?

My first reaction to this is that going back in time is so, like, yesterday. Heh.

Since I am a combined control freak and perfectionist, I really don't think I've yet experienced a day quite perfect enough to re-live! I've come back to this question four times and still can't think of a single thing. Well, at least you can't accuse me of living in the past :)

I might go back to the 80s and rewatch Back To The Future. That movie ruled.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
Oh, this is easier. I'd go back to when I was nineteen years old, and quit the debilitatingly awful job I had. My manager was the most unkind boss imaginable, and she bullied her staff mercilessly. (Having said that, the experience taught me a lot about setting boundaries with workplace bullies, so perhaps it was worth it.)

What movie/TV character do you most resemble in personality?
Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. I'm kind of a doofus, as well as being a bemused, left-leaning feminist. Also, I'm torn between "being a career woman" and some indefinable need for a simpler, old-fashioned life. (I also make up my own swears, some of which have caught on.)

...and I eat way too many carbs

If you could push one person off a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?
"I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." ~ Mark Twain

In other words, I don't think I could ever kill anyone (other than within my novels, where my bodycounts make me a regular Jack the Ripper). However, when I read in the newspapers about a particularly horrific child or animal cruelty story, I guess I come pretty close to being capable of murder.

Name one habit you want to change in yourself.
One? Just ONE? Oh maaaaannnn.... OK, I would stop stressing about every little thing. Not sweating the small stuff. That's my Holy Grail, baby :)

Describe yourself in one word.
Thinkerbell (it doesn't have to be a real word, does it? Thinkerbell is what my husband calls me, on account of my habit of drifting away with the fairies several times an hour)

Describe the person who named you in this meme in one word.
Dynamic

Why do you blog? Answer in one sentence.
Because I love the community of author (and other) bloggers; the way they interact and support each other - and the way they make me laugh.

Name at least 3 people to send this meme to, and then inform them.

@shanonaryder

@TrishaWF
@Safficscribe

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday's costume: Queen ("evil", not "drag").

Source

Today's Six Word Essay

2011-05-01T16:09:00.001-07:00

Weekend's over. Now the work begins!

You Can’t Spell Procrastination Without “Pro”

2011-05-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

Everybody has times when they just can’t write another %#^% word. But your down-time doesn’t have to be unconstructive. Here are five ideas to make the most of the can’t-face-anymore-writing times, which will still improve your novel.

1. Seek and Destroy your adverbs

Tuesday Tangle: You Better Get Your Story Straight

2011-04-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

As I write this, it occurs to me that it is actually Wednesday. But last night (my usual Tuesday Tangle timeslot), domestic life became bogged down in a quagmire of confusion:

Was it really the final of America's Next Top Model?***

Who was going to set up the newly-bought microwave to make the popcorn?

And was microwave popcorn even palatable, when watching a show about The World's Skinniest Girls?

Turns out:

1. No - the big finale show is next week

2. My husband, that's who

3. Actually, popcorn is even tastier when you're watching ridiculously thin people on TV. I kind of felt like I was feeding them, vicariously.

Anyway.... Here's today's Tangle. I included this one because I figured it out on the first try (pause for clapping). This is a rare event, so I have a place in my heart for the puzzle.

***I'd just like to point out that my husband and I watch ANTM for the irony value. Honest.

You Better Get Your Story Straight

Store detective Eric Capeesh has been working in the local bookstore, hot on the trail of a serial book-thief. He's narrowed it down to three suspects: Pinky Fastfinger, Dan Dastard and Graham Larceny.

Graham says, "I'm innocent, but I saw Dan do it."

Dan says, "Graham did it, and Pinky is innocent."

Pinky says, "I'm innocent. So is Dan."

The guilty person is lying, and both the innocent people are telling the truth.

Who is the book-thief?

(Scroll down for solution)

Quotable deliciousness

2011-04-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

I discovered this on (and subsequently stole this from) Rach Writes, Rachael Harries' blog. Too good not to share:

"No man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

~ C.S. Lewis

Straight from the Agent’s Mouth: Ten Reasons Your First Pages Are Blowing Your Chances

2011-04-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

Today I’m passing on words of wisdom from Kristin Nelson, agent extraordinaire and blog author of Pub Rants.

Nelson recently wrote about her “Agent Reads The Slush Pile” workshop. This workshop is a bit like a stage show, where the audience watches Nelson pretending to be in her office, while a volunteer reads (aloud) the first two pages of a manuscript submission.

In the workshops, as the volunteer reads, Nelson says “stop” at the place she would have stopped reading. Since it’s a workshop, she’ll also state why.

Writing the Compelling Female Character - that people want to read

2011-04-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

This blog post featured as a guest post on Natasha Bennett's blog. I thought I'd revisit it for those who missed it the first time.

Dear Aunt Charlotte,
I don't get it. My female protagonist is super-sexy, has ninja fighting skills, and can shoot a man between the eyes in the middle of the night at fifty metres. But my readers keep telling me she's "one-dimensional". I don't get it - she has an ENORMOUS rack.
Signed, Frustrated Author

Dear Frustrated,
Your readers are being entirely unreasonable. As any one who's watched modern movies knows, superhuman gun skills and a gargantuan bosom are equivalent to a personality. However, if you want to buckle to this kind of tree-hugging pressure, check out these tips below. (Or have her wear more makeup. Whatever.)
Aunt Charlotte

One of the toughest challenges for an author is to create strong characters. While we writers easily create whole new worlds, magic systems, parallel dimensions, and even alternate histories, populating these places with well-rounded, multi-faceted characters can often be just an eensy bit out of reach.

This is especially so with female characters, because we are so often presented with very characterised images in mainstream media. For example, here are a few female image stereotypes that might be currently hard-wired into the reader's brain: Young career woman who wants nothing more than a pay rise and a pair of Jimmy Choos; Angry, ass kicking Lara Croft type; Dizzy blonde bimbette; No-nonsense, prudish, uptight librarian/law student super-brain...

Because these stereotypes are so recognisable, readers respond quickly to the clichés that suggest them. So if a story starts with:

Damn – I’d broken another nail. I wondered if I had time before drinks at the Malibu Bar to fit in a mani-pedi – perhaps if I skipped lunch...

...the reader’s mind starts connecting with the young career woman type.

The trouble is that as writers, we’re trying to create people on the page – not types. I mean, when was the last time someone said to you, “I’m just your typical middle manager buying a red sports car to ease me through his mid-life crisis”? Not likely – most people will go out of their way to remind you of what makes them an individual. And why? Because individuals are interesting; types aren’t.

Most writers I know do not set out to create a type when they’re writing a female protagonist, or female secondary character. We want to create a compelling female character (CFC, if I may shorten it). But you know, we’re only human: we get lazy sometimes.

Being the eager-to-please bunnikins that I am, I’ve compiled a list of prompts to help you avoid the cardboard cut-out female, and instead breathe life into a fully-fledged CFC that readers will relate to and like. The list is by no means exhaustive, but will hopefully get you thinking about all the many and varied depths of your own CFC.

1. Make her realistic and let her dream.
Perhaps these seem mutually exclusive, but they’re not. After all, you’re realistic, aren’t you? And you have dreams too. So should your CFC. Give her all sorts of odd dreams and aspirations, not just those which fit neatly into your story (she doesn’t just want to find the Grindstone of Doom, she also wants to learn tap dancing). You don’t have to make a big deal of this in your novel – it may not even find its way in – but just knowing this about your character will make her more real to you. If she’s real to you, she’s more likely to be real to your reader.

April's Absolute Write Blog Chain Challenge

2011-04-14T02:48:00.000-07:00

I love this month's challenge! It has two parts: First, describe one of your characters in 50 words or less. Second, have that character interview you!

(Well done to the clever Orion from nonexistent books, who came up with this cute twist on the old interview.)

1. Character Description (in fifty words or less)

The Honourable Isabel Crawford is a penurious governess turned nineteenth-century sleuth. Charming when she wants to be, brutal when she must be, Isabel embodies the new woman of the Victorian Age: acerbic wit, sensible brolly, and a whole lot of moxie. Oh – and a two-shot derringer, tucked into her stocking.

That's what I'm talkin' about

2. Isabel interviews me, her Author.

I suppose you think you’re rather clever.

Uhm. Is that actually a question?

The scandalous death of both my parents, poverty, a menial job – that ridiculous Detective Inspector Dennehy. Really, the way you throw me into these situations at will – what are you thinking?

Well, people seem to enjoy reading it...

Is that a good enough reason to put me in constant danger? I’ll remind you that my family is English nobility, no matter that the gutter press may have it otherwise.

Oh, pish. You’ve survived so far. In fact, considering you’re “English nobility,” you’ve done better than I thought you would.

Hmph. Did you expect I would just curl up and whimper? We Crawfords are made of sterner stuff than that.

That’s the spirit!

Oh, don’t think you can flatter me now. I suppose you think you’ve a way with words, but let me tell you, I’d never read one of your novels. Your characters are ridiculous.

Ridiculous? Come on, that’s a bit extreme. Which of my characters is ridiculous?

Take that Miss Lydia Fyfe, for example. A common little trollop, and yet you have the young men falling over themselves for her. Not a chapter goes by before some idiot gentleman is making eyes at her.

Such as Detective Inspector Dennehy?

I wasn’t talking about him.

Well, you were talking about idiot gentlemen making eyes at Lydia Fyfe, so I assumed –

Hah! The Inspector is not a gentleman.

Well, you should know. Hehehe.

(silence)

(silence)

Are you still there?

If you refuse to be civil, this discussion is over.

Sorry.

What I want to know is: when will my fortunes turn around?

Maybe they won’t. There’s no shame in being poor, you know.

Gracious – do you know anything about Victorian England?

Fine. How about, in the next book, you receive some sort of generous inheritance from a long-forgotten great aunt?

I’m listening...

Enough money to live in a comfortable style – rent a nice little cottage in, let’s say, St John’s Wood.

No, I won’t live any further north than Bayswater Road.

Fine, a house in Mayfair. And you can have a staff of three.

I thought you said I was to live in a comfortable style. Five staff.

Four. That’s my final offer. And I’ll throw in a nice man.

(silence)

Anyone I’m acquainted with?

No; I know how much you detest all the men I’ve introduced you to so far. I’ll write a completely new man.

Oh. Well. That seems rather a waste of your writerly talents. I mean, perhaps we can tweak one of the existing fellows. Make him a bit less, I don’t know, less rough about the edges.

Ah.

Perhaps improve his station in life – give him a better career, that sort of thing.

Right.

But maybe not too smooth about the edges.

Alright. This is good; I feel like we’re making some headway. What shall we call this new novel?

Well, of course we’ll have to name it something to complement Unseemly Conduct and Unspeakable Acts.

Let me think: you come into money, move to St John’s Wood –

Mayfair.

...move to Mayfair, meet a charming man and have a nice life. How about we call it, Unbelievably Boring?

I see. There’s really no need to be like that.

Sorry. It’s just that no one is going to read a novel like that. Readers want tension, drama, obstacles to happiness, and all that jazz.

“Jazz”?

Sorry: all that stuff. If I give you a “Happily Ever After”, you know what comes next?

“The End”.

Right. And, just between you and me, I don’t think you’re ready for that.

Hmmm. Perhaps not.

So perhaps no mysterious old aunts kicking the bucket, just yet?

Kicking the bucket? You do have such a vulgar way of putting things.

And we’ll just keep Lydia Fyfe as she is?

I really couldn’t care less what you do with that girl.

And no smoothing Inspector Dennehy’s edges?

I have no idea why you should think I was referring to Victor Dennehy...

Sorry – my mistake. Well, I better get back to writing. I’ll see you in the second draft of Unspeakable Acts.

Could I at least have a new hat for the sequel? The mushroom silk one has a tear in it.

I’ll see what I can do.

And perhaps I can get a superior gun? There have been several new developments in ballistics since my old derringer.

Er. I guess I’ll do some research.

Be sure that you do. Goodnight, Charlotte.

Goodnight, Isabel.

###

Hope you enjoyed meeting my lovely protagonist (or at least witnessing us argue!). While I wait for the surrealist police to come and cart me away, don't forget to check out the other participants in the April Blog Chain:

orion_mk3 - http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to this month's post)
Yoghurtelf - http://thefarseas.blogspot.com (link to this month's post)
COchick - http://joannchaney.blogspot.com (link to this month's post)
xcomplex - http://www.arielemerald.blogspot.com
pezie - http://www.erinbrambilla.com
aimeelaine - http://www.aimeelaine.com/blog
auburnassassin - http://clairegillian.com

Della Odell - http://dellaodell.wordpress.com

Juniper - http://www.katjuniper.com

Proach - http://desstories.blogspot.com
allmyposts - http://becomingprince.blogspot.com
LadyMage - http://katherinegilraine.com
dolores haze - http://dianedooley.wordpress.com/

The Dreaded Query Letter - Part Three

2011-04-13T02:13:00.000-07:00

As promised, Gentle Reader, here is the third and final installment of the Dreaded Query Letter series. (If you missed them, here are Part One and Part Two.)

This post is devoted entirely to the writing of the query letter itself. Before we get immersed on the whys and wherefores, here are a few (obvious but necessary) points:

The Query Letter is, first and foremost, a business letter. Keep it professional – no funny fonts, no Snoopy notepaper (if you’re sending a hard copy), no spelling or grammar errors. Use standard business format: Single-spaced, 12-point font, spaces between paragraphs.

The length should be 250-300 words. Any longer than this and you probably wont be able to hold the attention of a busy agent.

Parts of the Query Letter

There's no way a sane person would tackle a query letter all at once, so I'm going to break it down into components:

Salutation
Mini-synopsis
Housekeeping
Fond farewell and your details

Things That Stop Me From Writing, or, How Will I Ever Get Finished?

2011-04-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

My kittehs. They’re sooooo adorable, but sooooo distracting. Also they’re officially disturbed: one is a paper shredder, the other one climbs the curtains if I don’t pay attention to them.

The paper shredder...

...and the curtain climber. Don't be fooled, they're both evil.

My husband. Since the big earthquake, hubby’s been working from home. We don’t share an office, but boy are we good at distracting each other.

Him: I’ve hit a roadblock with my article.
Me: Bummer. Shall we walk down to the cafe for an espresso?
Him: Deal.

(Repeat, several times a week)

Social Networking. Any time a new notification pops up on Facebook, Twitter. Because, you know, it might be interesting.

Writing Blog Posts. Heh. Ironic.

Reading Other People’s Blog Posts. Stop being so interesting, damn you!

Writers' Forums. Both a blessing and a curse. Occasionally I read a post that gives me a writing epiphany and I rush off to tap out another thousand words. But mostly I just weigh in on the important topics, such as arguments pro- and contra- the Oxford comma.

Hunger. I’ve officially come to hate lunch. Worst meal of the day. You can’t drink a gallon of coffee with it the way you can with breakfast; the food’s never as interesting as dinner; and apparently it’s not appropriate to accompany it with a glass of wine. Who makes up these rules, anyway?

Checking my word count. I must do this eight or nine times a day. First I check my cumulative word count. Then I check how many words I’ve written today. Then I use the calculator to figure out what percentage of my book I’ve written (this last one is particularly stupid, since I never know how long a book’s going to be until it’s finished).

Wikipedia. Seeing as I write in an era that even my grandparents didn’t see, I often need to fact-check. I start at Wiki because it provides me with a list of more reliable sources. The trouble is I often get bogged down in quagmire of interesting facts that makes up Wiki, and emerge several hours later to a house full of shredded paper and clawed-up curtains.

Robert Downey, Jr:

Enough said

Feel free to comment and add your own distractions to the list! Or to send me pictures of Robert Downey, Jr :)

The Dreaded Query Letter - Part Two

2011-04-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

Gentle Reader,

Recently, I talked about the process between starting your manuscript, and bringing it to the stage where it’s ready for sending off to agents. On Friday I introduced the query letter, that dimpled darling of the publishing world. If you’re not sure what a query letter is, check out Friday’s post here.

My next blog post will go into more details about writing the query letter, but there are a few things to do before you start writing your query letter:

1. First, find possible agents. There are several websites (such as QueryTracker and AgentQuery) which will help you with this. Some charge for their services, some don’t.

2. Second, decide which agents you are going to query. Your target agent should:

Be open to receiving new queries (some have full client books and aren’t looking for any new authors)
Represent the genre you have written (remember when I talked about genre?)
Be a good “fit” for you. You will need to do a little research before you can decide this. Usually the agent will have some information about him or herself on the agency website. If the agent has a blog, read it.
Not be a scammer. You don’t want your precious manuscript falling into the wrong hands, so check Preditors and Editors, Writer Beware's "Thumbs Down Agency List", and Absolute Write’s Bewares and Background Checks for more information.

3. Make a list of your favourite agents, starting with the ones you’d most like to work with. You will query these agents first (so you’ll want to make sure your query is as perfect as it can be right from the word "go").

4. Check the agent’s guidelines. These might specify that you need to include sample pages, a synopsis, or just the query letter itself. Send exactly what the agent wants. If you ignore these guidelines, the agent may simply not even read your query.

Doing this will prepare you for the final step, which is:

5. Send a personalised and brilliant query letter.

So, how do you write a personalised and brilliant query letter? I’ll be dissecting The Ideal Query Letter (and other myths) in my next post... Stay tuned xxx

Free Books from Amazon.com - Just What the Doctor Ordered

2011-04-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

Budget blues getting to you? Recession biting a bit too hard? I reckon you deserve something for free - because, just between you and me, I think you're lovely.

Allow me, then, introduce you to Breadline Books. The wonderful folks at Breadline are giving away free books and e-books from Amazon.com.

First, let me add the caveat that I have nothing at all to do with Breadline Books - I just found it through a writer's forum I belong to. Having said that, they seem to be a legitimate and benevolent bunch, who just want to connect people with books.

I've investigated a bit (and talked to the website owner), and this is what I've gathered:

Each month the website gives away three books from Amazon.com
People who want a book must put their name down in "the breadline" by emailing the web master.
The first two people in the line get a free book from Amazon.com of their choosing
A third person will be chosen at random from the list of people waiting in the breadline.
According to the website, books are shipped directly to you from Amazon.com - which will be reassuring for those of you concerned about getting "odd" parcels from unknown sources.
The breadline is re-opened each month, so to join the breadline in the next month, you need to email anew.

Conditions:

The book should be no more than $10 US, and books deemed "dodgy" might not be supplied. Note that non-US residents (those that don't have a physical mailing address in the US) may join the breadline, but their prize will be an e-book of their choosing, not a physical book.

For more info, and to enter, visit the Breadline Books website: http://breadlinebooks.blogspot.com/ Good luck, and good reading!

The Dreaded Query Letter - Part One

2011-04-09T03:13:00.000-07:00

A little while ago, I wrote a post about completing your first novel, where I attempted to give a useable outline of how to get the damned thing finished. If you missed it, here’s the linkie.

I also – rather rashly – ended with a promise to give an overview of query letters.

Well, a few things have come up (including a huge-ass earthquake, and completing the first draft of my new novel) – but now I’m back on track! Onward, Fiction Soldiers! Part One is below...

What is a query letter?

The query letter is a short letter that lets the agent know the substance and content of your book. In relatively few words, it should sell the agent on the concept, your writing, and the marketability of the novel.

In addition, the query letter is to an author what a gammy heel was to Achilles: it will definitely slow you down, and may just kill you.

OK, I exaggerate. But query letters are the bane of all sane authors, and here’s why: they are the literary equivalent of a CV for your book – if, that is, your CV had to include naked photos of you, and all your worst secrets.

Your beautiful novel - without a decent query letter, no one will ever read it

So, why do we have query letters?

If a first-time author wants to be published by most commercial publishers, she will need an agent. Most commercial publishers have a slush pile as high as an elephant’s eye, and they tend to use “Does this author have an agent?” as a quality filter. (It is by no means a perfect filter, since many fine authors don’t have an agent, but nevertheless, that is how the situation stands for many big publishers.)

So we have the publisher who won’t accept unsolicited manuscripts from a new author, unless that author has an agent. Naturally, this puts a premium on getting an agent.

The problem is that there isn’t an agent for every book written. And obviously, agents can’t read every 300-page manuscript from every aspiring writer. Therefore they have to have their own filter: the query letter.

What happens if the agent likes my query letter?

In that case the agent will request a “partial” which is usually the first 50 pages/first three chapters (or similar). If the agent reads and likes the partial, she will request a “full”, which is – you guessed it – the full manuscript.

If she likes the full, and thinks she can sell your book, she may offer you representation. Which would be, of course, fabulous.

The trouble for the first-time author is that the agent is wading through dozens, if not hundreds, query letters every day. And the odds of success are pretty bleak – the likelihood of a first-time author getting an agent is about 2%.

OK, so I know the odds – how to I beat them?

I like your attitude, Invisible Question Man! The first step to beating the odds is to construct the best query letter you can. It must be professional (without being dull), clever (without being gimmicky), witty (without being pretentious), exciting (without being melodramatic), fast-paced (without losing the reader), and complex (without being opaque).

Easy, right? My following posts will discuss of the Dos and Donts of the Query Letter, as well as an anatomical dissection of a (made-up) example.

Bram Stoker: If Your Vampires Are Sparkling, You're Not Doing It Right

2011-04-07T02:30:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it was the picture of Robert Pattinson in my last post, but this week’s cameo is all about Vampires. Actually it’s about that amazing grand-daddy of vampires: Bram Stoker. (Bram? What kind of name is Bram? It’s short for Abraham. Don’t be mean.)

Bram Stoker wrote the original 1897 novel Dracula, from whence all later vampire novels and movies have wended their sparkly way. Actually, this isn’t entirely true – before Stoker’s novel there were other vampire stories, but his was so incredible that everyone everywhere just said Hells yes! This is how we’ll all think about vampires from now on.

Now, if you haven’t read Stoker’s work yet, put it on your TBR list. Wa-a-ay up there. Because, while it is written in that fairly unfashionable epistolary style (diary entries and letters), this is a work that packs a punch. It’s actually scary.

Dracula: It's so scary, that it can afford to be sunflower yellow

There are scenes in it that will give you chills, as long as you’re paying attention. Parts of it are like... well, remember when you first read The Shining? And there’s that scene, where Jack is out walking in the desolate hotel grounds, and there are all those topiary hedge animals, and out the corner of his eyes he sees....

Oh golly. Give me a second.

Anyway, that’s a scary-ass scene. I can’t even remember whether they put it in the film adaptation, but I don’t think they could have made it as scary as King wrote it. And parts of Stoker’s Dracula are like that.

A little about Bram Stoker

Stoker was born in 1847 (making him 50 when Dracula was published). He was involved in theatre for much of his early life, first as a critic and later as the acting-manager, and later business manager, of the Lyceum Theatre in London. He travelled a lot in those roles, although never to Eastern Europe. "Write what you know" be damned, eh?

Stoker was a distant relative of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and a fan of Walt Whitman in particular and Americans in general. One of his most heroic characters, Quincey Morris, is an All-American fellow (he proved his heroic status by dying a spectacular and noble death, while avenging his beloved).

OK, back to Dracula

Stoker researched for several years to write his definitive vampire novel. Originally entitled The Un-Dead (thank heavens for working titles), the book’s name was changed at a late stage to Dracula. It has become universally renowned for bringing a new consciousness of vampiric literature to the gothic-loving Victorian reader.

A few statistics:

Body count, in order of grisly death:

The entire crew of the Russian ship Demeter, including the captain, whose body is found lashed to the ship’s helm (a nice touch)
Mrs Westenra. She dies of fright when a wolf attacks her. This is a kind fate, on the whole, considering the story of her daughter Lucy...
Lucy Westenra. After starting out quite well in the story – three men propose to her on the same day – she ends up en-vamped, dead, come alive again, staked through the heart, mouth stuffed with garlic, and beheaded. Sounds like something that might happen on a particularly competitive episode of MasterChef.
Dracula’s three brides. Killed by Van Helsing for no particular reason than being slightly slutty.
Dracula himself. He is stabbed with a Bowie knife, through the heart. An early example of strategic product placement? Perhaps.
Quincey Morris, who (as mentioned earlier) suffered a mortal wound at the hand of a gypsy.

Necks bitten, in order of smexy-ness:

Lucy Westenra. She was bitten and infected by Dracula in the guise of a wolf, so not very smexy
Mina Harker. Bitten on several occasions, one of which is described in erotic detail (for the era) in Stoker’s book.

And last but not least, Stoker wins a Steam&Ink award for introducing us to Abraham van Helsing, who comes across as quite bookish and nerdy in Dracula, but in the ensuing decades has rocketed up the charm spectrum, to turn out like THIS:

Praise be.

Another Plug for NaNoWriMo...

2011-04-06T02:00:00.000-07:00

So, you all are probably groaning and rolling your eyes right now. "When will she stop nagging me to take part in NaNoWriMo?" you ask. Well, never actually. Get used to it.

Ok, now that we've got that clear, here's the latest plug. Upcoming movie, Water for Elephants, happens to be a screenplay from a NaNoWriMo novel!

That's right, the original novel Water for Elephants (or at least 50,000 words of it), was written in ONE MONTH. And now - after, no doubt, several drafts and a lot of hard editing - it is a published book, a screenplay and now a movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson. Yes, Reese Witherspoon from Legally Blonde and Walk The Line, and Robert Pattinson from... some movie about emos, I think.

So, in conclusion: Do NaNoWriMo. Become amazing.

Author Self-Sabotage: A Shakespearean Tragedy in Three Acts

2011-04-05T15:45:00.000-07:00

Wowsers. Here I was, minding my own business and browsing my favourite author blogs, when Nathan Bransford's blog pointed me to one of the worst cases of author self-sabotage I've ever seen. Behold, a Moderne Shakespearean Tragedie:

Oh be quiet - you know you prefer this version of Shakespeare.

The Cast

Jacqueline Howett is the self-published author of a work called The Greek Seaman, a novel of the suspense/literary fiction genre.

A quick note about self-publishing: Nowadays, with the commercial publishing business being so hard to break into, many authors are choosing to self-publish their first novel(s). This is often in the hope of creating that elusive "author platform," which has become so important in convincing publishers to take a punt on your work. Self-published, therefore, is not synonymous with bad writing, or with novels so awful that they would never be picked up by an agent. On the other hand, there's no vetting process, so the odds are fairly good that the self-pubbed book you download is going to be a howler.

Big Al from Big Al's Books and Pals. Big Al is a blogger who reviews self-pubbed indie novels. Considering the fairly good odds that self-pubbed novels are howlers, I consider this a benevolent public service: it not only saves the potential reader time and money, it also highlights the genuinely good books from the dreck.

The Internet. A bit like a Greek Chorus, only meaner and with emoticons.

Act One

The blog post started out in a pretty ordinary way: Big Al reviewed a book called - you guessed it - The Greek Seaman.

The review came across to me as fairly balanced. Big Al gave the book's stats (genre, length), a short background about the author, and included a link to her blog. He praised the book as "compelling and interesting", if the reader stayed with it till the end.

However, he noted, the book contained many spelling and grammar errors that had the effect of jarring a reader out of the book. He also felt there was too much flowery description, some of which worked and some of which didn't. "Reading shouldn't be that hard," he concluded, and gave The Greek Seaman two stars out of five.

The first commenter on the blog was none other than the author herself, Jacqueline Howett. She called the review "unfair," because "you obviously didn't read the second clean copy I requested you download that was also reformatted." She suggested that Big Al didn't "get" her style, because she was an English author. She concluded by saying that her other readers on Amazon had given her rave reviews, and she would "stick to my five star and four star reviews thanks."

Ms Howett, obviously feeling like one comment wasn't enough, then went on to paste three reviews from Amazon into the following three comments. Each were four or five stars, and said they found the story interesting and enjoyable.

The Lovely Blog Award - a Feel-Good Moment

2011-04-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

Look, look, LOOK what I've got:

The awesome Trisha at Word+Stuff awarded me with a Lovely Blog Award. Shucks, isn't she kind? And may I just say to whomever designed the award - adorable! Gorgeous teacup with little rosies = too cute.

The official rules of the Lovely Blog Award are (and we know how much I like rules):

Accept the award, post the award on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link. They don't say anything about an acceptance speech. Le sigh.
Pay it forward to some other blogs you have newly discovered. Well, I have a couple, which I've noted below.
Contact those blog owners and let them know they've been chosen. After all, what's the point of winning something if you don't know about it, right?

So, here are the winners of my Lovely Blog Awards:

Carolyn Arnold at A Writer's Journey. Carolyn is a mystery/thriller/suspense writer, and she is an a-maze-ing blogger. Her blog is full of excellent tips and encouragement on writing, but it's also filled with really helpful and fascinating tips on crime detection and police work. Interesting to read even if you're NOT writing a mystery or crime novel. What's more, Carolyn must put in a 28-hour day because she updates her blog everyday, as far as I can tell.
Peggy Blair at Getting Published. Peggy is the author of The Beggar's Opera, which is due to be released in North America and the UK in spring 2012. Her story was short-listed for the prestigious Debut Dagger Award, she’s received a personal recommendation from crime writer Ian Rankin, and her book has been snapped up by European markets at the important Frankfurt Book Fair. On top of it all she's just a great gal, her blog is extremely readable, and she has a huge archive of writing tips and advice.
The team at The Chrysalis Experiment. I just love these guys. Three up-and-coming writers provide great weekly prompts for short stories - the idea being that short fic is one of the best tools a writer can use to hone his or her craft. Stories can be between 1,000 and 10,000 words and everyone is welcome to join in the fun. Oh, and they also featured my short story this week, but I would have given them the award even if they hadn't :)

Peering Up the Trouserleg of Giants: First Draft? Check!

2011-03-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

Well, colour me de-light-ed, Gentle Reader! I've finished the first draft of my urban fantasy satire, Peering Up the Trouserleg of Giants.

Trouserleg of Giants began as a NaNoWriMo adventure in 2010. NaNoWriMo is a month-long competition, that challenges writers to create a 50,000 word novel from scratch in the month of November. (Find out more about NaNoWriMo here.)

Why not try something completely different this year? I thought. After all, it's only for 30 days - nothing ventured, nothing gained. I decided that I'd like to try writing humour - after all, what's more rewarding than putting a smile on someone's face?

Owing, I think, to the large amount of Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams I'd ingested over my reading life, I opted for urban fantasy satire. All it took was a surfeit of reality TV one night, and my concept was born. After thirty days I just scraped over the 50k mark, although a good portion of that ended up being cut as I continued work on the first draft.

At 70,000 words and still in first-draft form, Trouserleg of Giants is some months from the finished product. But, if you're interested, check out the back-cover blurb here.

Thursday Cameo: G&S - possibly the best combination since the G&T

2011-03-31T02:33:00.000-07:00

Love musicals? Who doesn't! Today's Victorian agers of note are a duo I think of as "Andrew Lloyd Webber, the Prequel (This Time, It's Whiskered)". No doubt you've heard of the operetta-writing pair Gilbert and Sullivan (and if you haven't, make yourself comfortable!).

W.S. Gilbert & A. Sullivan

These guys are pretty much the patron saints of light operettas. In the mid-nineteenth century, they took the old-style opera, dressed it up in bright colours, and kicked it up the bum.

Begone, tedious operas dwelling endlessly on a single plot device! Farewell, high-pitched singing in a language I don't know and never care to learn! These two paved the way for the modern musical we know today: if it weren't for their influence, we'd be queuing up in New York for tickets to Les Chats, or straining to understand the storyline of Il Starlight Espresso (see what I did there?). Even the cast of Les Miserables would be speaking French - sacre bleu!

Gilbert, left, and Sullivan, right. In real life their heads were less bobbly.

So what did they write? Well, a bunch of great operettas, which are still being performed today, and a whole lot more average ones, which have disappeared into history. But most noteworthy are HMS Pinafore, The Mikado, Trial by Jury, The Pirates of Penzance, and The Gondoliers (which happens to be featured in my novel Unseemly Conduct, imagine that).

Pretty picture time:

The Mikado, a political satire, was the most successsful of the G&S operettas

The Gondoliers is set in Venice and pokes fun at the (English) class system


Their first international hit, HMS Pinafore satirised 'management by mediocrity'

Because their lyrics were catchy, cute, and (above all) in English, Gilbert and Sullivan appealed to a wide range of theatre-goers. Everyone could remember and sing along to their songs, and their political messages were not so subtle as to pass over anyone's heads. What's more, they contained enough slapstick humour and sexual innuendo to keep even the most jaded dandy entertained.

So popular were they, that the entrepreneurial producer Richard D'Oyly Carte actually built a theatre so that he had a venue good enough to present their works. And not just any theatre, either - The Savoy Theatre in London. Yes, I can hear you scriptwriters salivating from here.

Can't remember the last time anyone built anything this fancy to do justice to my creative genius...

Alas, all good things must come to an end, and after several years of producing operettas in the Savoy, an argument arose between Gilbert and their producer D'Oyly Carte. It was not an artistic difference, as one might imagine - it was a rather tawdry squabble over a rug. D'Oyly Carte had recarpeted the Savoy, and there was a difference of opinion over who should pick up the tab. Gilbert had previoulsy become suspicious about D'Oyly Carte's book-keeping, and the incriminations were enough to break up the working trio (Sullivan seemed to side with D'Oyly Carte).

It was one of those spectacular rifts that had everyone in London talking, and though Gilbert and Sullivan reunited some years later for another run, they never produced anything as popular as in their wonder years.

Over a century later, Gilbert and Sullivan operettas remain a favourite of theatre goers around the world, and their influence on popular culture is still obvious. You might remember Sideshow Bob singing the HMS Pinafore score in the Cape Feare episode, or Stewie from Family Guy with his own version of "I've got a little list" (actually entitled "As Some Day It May Happen" from The Mikado).

Though related to a peer

I can hand, reef, and steer

And ship a selvagee;

I am never known to quail

At the fury of a gale,

And I'm never, never sick at sea!

What, Never?

No, never!

What, Never?

Well, hardly ever!

-Captain Corcoran in HMS Pinafore

A few of my favourite things...

2011-03-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

When the dog bites, when the bee stings (when the heel snaps, when the tax department sends a letter - whatever)... it's good to have a store of favourite things set aside to cheer you up. Here are a couple you might want to add to your list:

Hot Pools – the ancient Romans knew what they were talking about

Last week I went with two girlfriends to thermal pools ninety minutes’ drive from town. (Well, I say ninety minutes, but since I was driving it was nigh on two hours...)

Oooooooohhhhhhh so relaxing. Seriously, there aren’t enough Os in the world to express how good that four-hour soak was. We got out once to have a beer in the cafe, then plunged right back in again. If you’ve ever seen the X-Men movie, where the baddy turns into a 99-percent-water jelly fish – then you have some idea of how we looked by the end of it.

An unwillingness to get out of the bath was a direct cause of the Roman Empire's Fall

I don’t know whether it was the country drive, the hours of chatting and laughs, or the wonderful thermal pools working their magic, but that night I slept the best I have since the big quake. Bliss.

Cookie Recipes with photos

I’m proud to say that I am a mean cook.

No, not like that...

Hmmm. Maybe I should say: I am a pretty good cook. I can whip up yummy meals from scratch, and I know my way around the spice aisle.

But baking? Ugh. I am quite possibly the worst baker who ever donned a pinny. I put it down to my carefree attitude towards instructions; I’m just not good at following instructions. My cakes turn out lopsided and gluey; my scones could be used as paper-weights.

What I really need is to see the process – to have a visual guide through that dark jungle of baking powder, vanilla essence and caster sugar. I’ve tried the YouTube videos, which are pretty good, but if even if you have them on your IPhone you still constantly have to pause them with doughy/greasy/wet hands. Also, I have an aversion to electronics near water ever since a friend had The Great Cellphone-Cistern Incident of 2005.

Anyway, I found this lovely website called Author’s Kitchen, which (as it happens) is written by two authors. I love that they take pics of the necessary ingredients before they start. I love that they show the process step-by-step. I love that they will be completely honest when they mess up, and even obligingly include photos of said mess. I especially love that they sprinkle their recipes with the occasional swear word (much more restrained than the ones I employ when baking!).

Author’s Kitchen isn’t just cakes and cookies, though: they have an eclectic range of food, seemingly whatever takes their fancy that day. Go check them out.

Better late than never, or Better never than late?

2011-03-27T02:24:00.000-07:00

Gentle reader,

There is a saying in German: Pünktlichkeit ist die Höflichkeit der Könige. It means “Punctuality is the Politeness of Kings,” and it was illustrated to me during the two years I lived in that lovely country. Germans tended to show up on time for, well, everything – and not, as some people would think, because they are a dull race of clock-watchers; rather, because they consider it the height of disrespect to keep others waiting.

In my own country, we adopt a far more laissez-faire attitude towards punctuality. Everyone is going to be late all the time, we reason, so who wants to get there first and be Nigel No-Mates until all the others turn up? (Of course, anyone can see the absurdity of taking this point to its logical conclusion: the first party-goer would show up three days late and have to play solitaire on his IPhone for a week before anyone else strolled in.)

However, the older I get, the more I appreciate the German attitude towards punctuality. It may be because the Teutonic respect for punctuality has rubbed off on me, but more likely it’s because I’m often the one left in the cafe, flipping through three-month-old magazines with coffee rings on them.

He's late, he's late, for a very important date...

Of course, I don’t subscribe to the draconian idea that one should never be late. Naturally, life gets in the way now and then. And sometimes we really do get stuck in traffic/can’t find our car keys/receive a phone call just before leaving.

Tuesday Tangle: Book Launch Juggle

2011-03-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

Gentle Reader,

this week's Tangle is my publishing-obsessed twist on an old favourite. See if you can figure it out (and if you remember the original):

You are a literary agent, whose author client has written a fabulous new novel, a massive hardcover tome of two thousand pages.

Tonight is the novel's launch party, across town. You need to bring with you the author, the novel, and your annoying cousin who happens to be a very scathing book critic. However, all you have for transport is your aging (but tres chic) Vespa, so you can carry only one thing with you at a time (the author, the novel, or the critic).

BUT if you leave the author alone with the critic, there will be fireworks. If you leave the critic alone with the book, he'll rip it to pieces. How do you get all three to the book launch, with the minimal amount of damage?

Scroll down for solution...

After A Brief Interlude, Resuming Normal(ish) Services

2011-03-18T02:09:00.000-07:00

Gentle Reader,

Mega-enormous apologies for not posting in so long. You may be aware that on Tuesday 22^nd February the city of Christchurch, New Zealand, was hit by a 6.3 magnitude earthquake. Well, that's my home town.

...hence the non-contact for a little while (for almost two weeks we didn't even have the power on at home).

My family and friends and I have been absolutely blessed, in that we all survived, as did our friends and neighbours. However, almost 200 people were killed, and in a city of only 400,000, that number feels huge.

The earthquake hit at 12:51pm, and I was at home, having just fixed lunch. As I walked around the dining table, a huge jolt hit the house. If you haven’t experienced a large earthquake, imagine that someone was shaking the house from side to side, as if a giant child was shaking a wrapped gift to see what was inside.

Thursday Cameo: Roll Up, Roll Up

2011-02-17T01:34:00.000-08:00

Today’s Victorian-ager of note is known as the world’s “First Show-Business Millionaire”, the American circus owner Phineas Taylor (P.T.) Barnum.

Nowadays when we think of circuses, we imagine big tops, acrobatics, freak shows, clowns, wild animals and curiosities. But this quintessential “circusness” did not spring fully formed from the earth – for the most part, it was the brain child of the nineteenth-century American entrepreneur P. T. Barnum. Anybody who hasn’t lived their entire life under rock will have heard of Barnum’s Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus – it’s still running, after more than 100 years.

Phineas Taylor (P.T.) Barnum

Barnum was a man of extremes. He wasn’t just a big thinker: he was a huge thinker. From importing a freakin’ African elephant into the country for his circus, to building the outrageously huge mansion “Iranistan” (which would eventually bankrupt him), to paying unprecedented figures to his star performers, he did nothing by halves. This week, I’d like to pay homage especially to some of the people and exhibitions who are part of the Barnum legacy.

Feejee Mermaid

People had long believed that strange, half-fish people existed in the outer regions of the seas. The Americans enjoyed a good freak as much as their Victorian England contemporaries, and they were willing to pay an entry fee to see one. Cue the Feejee (Fiji) Mermaid. The ghastly creature was, of course, fake: it was made of a torso and head of a baby monkey, sewn to the back half of a fish and covered in paper-mâché. But it was realistic enough to fool the circus-goers, especially when Barnum trotted out the “doctor” who supposedly caught the creature.

Well, Ariel it ain't...

Tom Thumb

In 1842, Barnum discovered Charles Stratton, a child dwarf. The boy at the time was four years old, but in order to intensify the marvel, Barnum claimed he was eleven. Naming him General Tom Thumb – The Smallest Person that ever Walked Alone, he set out to train the boy to become an entertainer. Barnum had two points of good fortune: first, little Tom Thumb had a natural aptitude for mimicry and was a fast learner, and second, child exploitation laws in those days were virtually non-existent. Within a few years, the lad was drinking wine and smoking cigars for the public's amusement. Of course, he didn’t have to worry about it stunting his growth. (Yes, I went there.) Throughout his life Tom Thumb was immensely popular – he even had audiences with Queen Victoria and the Czar of Russia.

Barnum’s exploitation seems appalling to modern-day readers, but from all accounts Charles Stratton lived a happy life as Tom Thumb. It really was a life most could only dream of – and especially so for a man who would never grow to more than four feet tall.

And now for something completely different - Jumbo

We’re so used to thinking of “Jumbo” as a cute word for something enormous, that you’ve maybe never wondered where it came from. Lucky for you, I live to enlighten! “Jumbo” is, in fact, the name of the hugely popular African elephant that Barnum imported from England for his circus. Barnum bought the elephant for the then-staggering sum of $10,000. Perhaps even more impressive than the price he paid was his skill in drumming up public interest in the creature, even before the elephant left the shores of England. Barnum started a rumour that the British people were mutinous over the sale of Jumbo, and that thousands of schoolchildren had written to the Queen, begging that Jumbo wouldn’t leave England. In response, the American public became outraged that they might miss out on seeing the incredible beast. By the time Jumbo had arrived in the U.S., his popularity was already similar to modern-day Justin Bieber. Barnum made his money back within the first weeks of exhibiting the animal, and the English language gained a new word: jumbo, for anything of unusually large size.

The Swedish nightingale

You can think of Jenny Lind as Barnum’s “Jumbo II – this time, it’s musical.” Popular in Europe, the Swedish opera singer was engaged by Barnum before he’d even heard her performances. It was a calculated gamble – after all, even if she didn’t have the voice, he had the public relations department.

And it paid off: by the time Jenny Lind arrived in the U.S., so much public excitement had been created about her that 40,000 locals greeted her ship at the dock. She toured the States with Barnum, and became phenomenally successful, even spawning a line of “Jenny Lind” merchandising. In fact, she was so successful that she earned $250,000 over the course of just under 100 concerts – an amazing amount at the time; especially considering that the artist in question was a woman.

Apparently, Jenny inspired Hans Christian Andersen's tale "The Nightingale"

“Siamese Twins” Chang and Eng

Chang and Eng Bunker were born as conjoint twins in Siam (now Thailand). They had previously been exhibited as a curiosity in a world tour with British merchant Robert hunter. In 1860, having married and retired to a plantation in North Carolina, the twins came out of retirement, and did a six-week stint in Barnum’s Museum (one of “those” museums). Although the Bunkers were not Barnum's discovery, "Siamese" twins were to become a mainstay of circus sideshows for decades. (Until we realised that it's rude to stare.)

Ten Questions to Ask The Agent Before You Say “I Do”

2011-02-16T14:58:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

This week I was invited to guest blog on author Carolyn Arnold's blog A Writer's Journey. The lovely Carolyn features a guest blog spot called Welcome Mat Wednesday every - you guessed it - Wednesday.

My post is Ten Questions to Ask The Agent Before You Say “I Do”, and I hope it will help new writers, especially those who are in the midst of, or will soon begin, the querying process.

Hop on over and have a look! And if you're keen, click here for information on taking part in Welcome Mat Wednesday.

A Journey of a Thousand Pages Begins With But a Single, Badly-Written Prologue...

2011-02-16T00:39:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

Last month I was invited to contribute as a guest blogger on The Writeaholic's Blog. The topic was The First Year Tally, and we writers were asked to identify the genesis of our, you know, writerness. In case you didn't catch it over at Writeaholic's, I thought I'd include my contribution today:

It was the Chinese philosopher Confucius who observed that “the journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step”. In my case, a journey of a thousand miles is more likely to begin with “forgetting to programme the address into the GPS”. I just don’t have much of a sense of direction.

Much the same can be said about my journey as a writer. I certainly never intended to meander down the writing road. Despite this, my childhood was characterised by scribbling: my first short story at age six was a farmyard saga in which a Rhode Island Red hen (named Big Mama Betty) hatched from one of her eggs a baby bull (tragedy struck when the farmer came over to investigate, and got a swift kick from the newborn). Encouraged by the success of these early efforts – it got a big red tick, and was subsequently stuck to the fridge door at home – at age ten I wrote a comic space opera. This featured the antics of the crew from the star ship Capewallader Cod – and no, I don’t know how I came up with that name. In fact, all I remember about the story was the opening scene, in which the ship’s captain awoke floating three feet above his bed because he’d forgotten to take his gravity pills. Gene Rodenberry, eat your heart out.


My starship would have had nicer drapes and an old-timey feel

As generally happens, life got in the way, and from age fifteen onwards, I probably wrote a grand totally of fifteen hundred creative words (despite what some of my grumpier professors may claim, I’m not counting University essays). Fifteen hundred words over some thirteen years amounts to a 115 words a year; about one-third of a word each day. I was not exactly slaving over a hot typewriter, Gentle Reader.

It wasn’t until 2007, when I lived in Germany, that the desire to write struck me again. To help my painfully slow progress in that delightful language, my husband (a native German speaker) would read me novels in the evening. One of these happened to be the translation of a suspense novel by a well known English-speaking author. Perhaps it was a poor translation, but I spent the entire story being irritated by the plot (in my eyes, tepid and predictable) the characters (wooden and clichéd), and the tone (saccharine and a bit preachy). Hell, I remember thinking, I could write a better novel than this. So I sat down to do exactly that.

I failed, of course. A year later, the plot of my newly-minted novel could only be described as tepid and predictable; the characters wooden and clichéd; and although the tone was neither saccharine nor preachy, I have to admit it did oscillate between ponderous and breathlessly-hysterical. But that, as our friend Confucius might say, is all part of the journey. Most of my writer friends (and yes, these days I feel I am advanced enough in writerdom to drop phrases like “my writer friends” into the conversation) view their first novel with a mixture of embarrassed affection and slight humiliation. If you, Gentle Reader, have written your first novel and it isn’t the literary equivalent of Jackass: the Movie, then you should celebrate: you’ve done better than about eighty percent of your counterparts.

But enough about you, Gentle Reader; let’s talk about me again. There I was, reading through my own shiny new novel manuscript, and all I could think was: Hell... I could write a better novel than this. And, with a dizzying sense of déjà vu, I sat down to do exactly that.

Except this time, it worked. After another eighteen months, I finished a novel which I deemed worthy of rejection by a prominent New York agent. Accordingly I sent off my query letter and the first three chapters, fully expecting a polite but firm no. And blow me down if my dream agent didn’t love the story! After reading through the whole manuscript, she offered me representation.

And that, Gentle Reader, is where I am at the moment: still shaking my head at the journey so far, but desperately keen to see what’s around the next bend. Admittedly, much of the process for this novel is out of my hands for now, which is maddening. Whilst I would like to have a New Year’s Resolution of score a contract with a major publishing company, really the best thing I can do is to work on new projects in the meantime. Thankfully, my open-minded agent has embraced what I describe as “my trans-genre leanings”, and with her blessing I’m working on a satirical urban fantasy and a gothic Victorian thriller.

As I mentioned, Gentle Reader, I never intended to meander down the writing road. But just look at what happens when you don’t use your GPS.

Ever a fan of reading the map upside down,

Yours,

Charlotte

Tuesday Tangle: Lose Ten Brain Cells in Nine Minutes a Day!

2011-02-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

This week's tangle is dedicated to the amazing strength of will that stopped me from succumbing to an infomercial yesterday. Said infomercial featured the *amazing* Ab-Circle Pro. They were on special! Everyone on the ad was so thin! And they promised me masses of weight loss in just three minutes a day. Three minutes a day. Heck, even I have that kind of time lying around.

However, just as I was reaching for the phone, the rational side of my brain spoke up (which was a damn-near miracle, since I could swear I'd left it chained to a radiator somewhere). So, long story short: I'm still as flabby as ever, but I'm loving that bonus three minutes a day that I don't have to exercise.

And what did I use today's three minutes for? Why, to furnish you with this week's tangle, of course...

Lose Ten Brain Cells in Nine Minutes!

Tanya is a sucker for TV infomercials. Her latest purchase is an exercise machine which, the sellers claim, will enable her to lose 10 pounds in one week. All she needs to do - so they say - is use the machine for nine continuous minutes each day.

On the first day, an enthusiastic Tanya throws on her track pants and searches the house for a timer. But all she can find is two old fashioned egg timers. The smaller egg timer takes four minutes for the sand to go through, while the bigger takes seven minutes for the sand to go through.

If Tanya cannot stop or slow down the sand while it is falling through the egg timers, how can she know when she has been exercising for nine minutes? (Presume that Tanya is able to flip the egg timer without getting off the machine, so it doesn’t interrupt her exercise.)

(Solution below)

So You Want to Write a Novel: The First-time Author’s Road Map

2011-02-10T15:45:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

When, some years ago, I first sat down to write a novel, I had no idea what I was in for. Sure, I knew how to spell (mostly) and I understood the basic rules of grammar (mostly), and I knew how my book was going to go (mostly)... but when it came to the actual business of what went into completing a novel and getting an agent, I hadn't the first idea of how it all went.

Partly because I was still honing my writing skills, but partly because of this lack of knowledge, my first novel turned out to be very average. Yes, it’s generally agreed that your first novel will always be a bit naff, but I don’t think this is because there is an inherent naff-ness about the first novel. I think it’s because we don’t necessarily know how to complete a novel.

Now, there are heaps of resources about how to write a novel – how to plot a story, create good characters, improve your writing style, etc. So I’m not going to attempt that here. What I want to do is to give my version of a basic road map to complete your novel, up until the time you begin to query literary agents. (Those of you who know me may laugh at the "road map" analogy, given my real-life habit of driving the wrong way up one-way streets, blissfully unaware that all that honking is directed at moi.)


Your published novel - the final step on a long road

1. Get to know your story

Writing the Compelling Female Character

2011-02-08T14:28:00.000-08:00

If you've ever wondered how to make your characters more rounded and three-dimensional, you're not alone.

As a guest blog post on Natasha Bennett's blog, I have compiled a list of pointers for Writing the Compelling Female Character. Most of them work for male characters, too!

February Blog Chain: Antagonists

2011-02-07T23:54:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

This post is in response to the February Blog Chain prompt about our novel's antagonist. I've chosen Lord Ashby, who's crawled out of my 1850s-London Gothic suspense novel, Cirque Noir.

Part one: Describe the antagonist in your novel in 50 words or less.

A Victorian expansionist, Lord Ashby sees the world in pounds and pence. Land-hungry, he’ll grab whatever space he can to throw up quick terraced housing for the burgeoning population. Domestically he’s a cold and distant master to his cowed wife Catherine and their sickly son; professionally, he takes no prisoners.

Part two: What would you say to your antagonist if you met him or her in real life? Post a scene in response to this question in 100 words or less.

He’d probably give me the heebie-jeebies if I ever met him in real life! But here goes; beaming Charlotte back to 1850s London:

“I walked past the old circus site today,” I said. “The ground is still scorched – I can’t imagine anything growing there for years.”
Ashby shrugged, signing a paper. His name, as usual, in red ink. “Land should be for building, not growing. That tawdry circus held the lease far too long: pennies, for the best vacant land in London.”
“Will charity be given to families of the dead?”
He looked irritated. “What families? Those crude circus folks all died together.”
No. Not “all”. I gazed at his red-stained fingertips.
Ashby would soon learn that no job should be left half-done.

Next aboard the blog train is Auburn Assassin. Don't forget to check out the other participants in February's Blog Chain:

Proach
Steam&Ink (me!)

AuburnAssassin
dolores haze
xcomplex
LadyMage
aimeelain
jonbon.benjamin
CScottMorris
Ralph Pines
GradyHendrix
orion mk3
Forbidden Snowflake
knotane
Jersey Girl 1962
FranYoakumVeal

Tuesday Tangle: Short Stories and Busy Librarians

2011-02-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

Double trouble this week! These Tangles are a little shorter and – possibly – a little simpler, so I’ve put in two...

Tangle the First:

Jane has written two stories. Story A is 20,000 words shorter than Story B. Story B is three times as long as Story A.

How long is Story A?

Tangle the Second:

If five librarians can shelve 50 books in five minutes, how many books can one librarian shelve in one minute?

(solutions below)

Links Make The World Go Around

2011-02-07T01:56:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

Hey, look at that - Monday Linkies is becoming a bit of a tradition. Is it because I nerdsessively surf the internet over the weekend instead of going out and partying like the rest of the civilised world? Is it because I am low on creative mojo on Mondays? Is it because I’m a naturally generous person and love sharing the wealth? You decide.

(NB You're thinking about stealing the word “nerdsessive”, aren't you? Don’t even think about it. In fact, to assert my ownership I shall use the word once more before this post is over.)

1. Secretly we all judge other people on their shoes, so click here...

If Shoes Could Kill has upgraded itself to If Style Could Kill. Personally I don’t think the new name is half as catchy as the old one, but I’m going to forgive them, since they’ve branched out to making fun of all sorts of fashion weirdness. Moments of bizarre, and flashes of brilliance, from the far reaches of fashion. Good fun.

2. Recycling is good, and recycling your novel is even better, so click here....

Over at Murder Your Darlings I discuss a scene and some characters that it pained me to part with. So I didn’t: I just mashed them into the next one! Hooray for recycling.

3. And I’m plugging a blog, that plugs your blog, so click here...

Carolyn Arnold has recently started Plug Your Blog Friday. If you have a blog, don’t forget to show up at Carolyn’s on Friday to shamelessly publicise it. Remember, the more links there are in the webosphere that lead to your blog, the higher it will appear in Google searches. Yes, I know that’s a bit nerdsessive of me (ha! And you thought I couldn’t do it), but there’s not much point in us writing all this stuff if no-one’s going to read it – right?

Linkier than a lynx standing next to a chain-link fence,

Charlotte

PS I have thought about it, Gentle Reader, and you may use the word “nerdsessive” with my blessing. I realise that keeping it from the world would be too unkind.

Cameo: Prince Albert in a Nutshell (but NOT in a Can)

2011-02-03T01:43:00.000-08:00

Today’s Cameo celebrates a very important, but often overlooked, stalwart of the Victorian Age: Vicky’s husband Albert, Prince Consort. As husband to the Queen, and not himself heir to the English throne, he would never bear the title of King of England. However, Prince Albert bears a special place in my heart for his many attributes: lover, man of science, reformer, peacemaker, and family man! All this, and he still agreed to walk six paces behind Victoria when they were in public. Where do the rest of us find such a husband?

Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, Prince Consort and general dreamboat

Albert, Prince Consort of the United Kingdom

The many faces of Albert

Paramour: we might look at pictures of the po-faced Queen Victoria and think she was a bit of a cold fish, but history tells us otherwise. In his book, A. N. Wilson notes that Albert made Victoria a very happy woman:

From the first ‘gratifying and bewildering night,’ as she described it to Lord Melbourne, the Queen was crazy about Albert.... as she wrote to her cousin... ‘You cannot imagine how delightful it is to be married. I could not have dreamed that anyone could be so happy in this world as I am.’

Renaissance man: Albert was an impressive musician, speaker of several languages, and well-taught in philosophy and art history. He was also a bit of a dreamboat, if you like pork-chop sideburns (and I do). All the sorts of attributes you need if you are going to be ever-so-close to, but not quite, at the head of an Empire.

Man of Science: An innovator, and interested in modern thought, Albert was a driving force behind the Crystal Palace, built in Hyde Park to house the Great Exhibition. For years, the great glass edifice stood in Hyde Park, hosting marvels from around the world. The public could enter for a small fee (some days as low as one shilling entry).

Albert also forwarded the cause of a knighthood for Charles Darwin, whose book, The Origin of the Species, had impressed the Prince Consort. However, Parliament voted this down on the grounds that Darwin had said they momma be lookin' like a monkey.

Bringer of the Christmas tree: Next December, as you’re trying to vacuum the pine needles out of the carpet, spare a thought for dear old Albie. It was he who brought the Christmas tree tradition to England from his homeland of Saxe-Coburg (in modern-day Germany). Before that, the English had to make do with mistletoe, and wreaths of ivy, and holly sprigs, all of which tended not to get lodged in the rug.

Family Man: In case you’re thinking, “Well, he may have been great in bed/incredibly intelligent/forward thinking, but I bet poor old Vicky never saw him during the daylight hours” – you’d be quite wrong. Prince Albert was all about family: he was an active part of the lives of his nine children. He devised a rigorous six-hour-a-day lesson plan for his eldest son, who would later inherit the throne. (Apparently Albert was beside himself when his eldest daughter, the Princess Royal, moved to Prussia after her marriage to German Emperor Frederick III. Aw, bless him. You can just imagine the father of the bride tearing up, can’t you?)

Flash in the Pan: as if to prove that only the good die young, dear old Albie shuffled off this mortal coil at the tender age of forty-two. This sent poor Victoria into an extended period of mourning, lasting from 1861 to her death in 1901. Yes, apparently he was that good a husband...

Things that are named after Prince Albert

The Victoria and Albert museum in London. It’s the two things all married couples dream about: being joined forever in death, and housing dusty old antiques.

...melding the two things couples care about most

Prince Albert piercing. First, let me warn you that searching for this on Google will get you images which are not suitable for work. It involved a piercing through a part of a man’s anatomy that he would normally jealously guard from any sort of puncture or mutilation. Er. That’s all the description I’m really happy to give on a non-restricted blog. There is no real certainty why it was named after Albert; the piercer who popularised the “prince albert” claimed that Prince Albert had such a piercing in order to keep his wild and abundant manhood under control when it was encased in tight-fitting trousers. Is this true? Only Vicky could tell us. However, judging from the information on their love life, I wouldn’t be at all surprised about the “wild and abundant manhood.”

But, surprisingly, not Prince Albert tobacco – the genesis of the old “Prince Albert in a can” joke. The tobacco was actually named after Edward VII, the son of Albert and Victoria. As you say, “Huh? It’s not called Prince Edward in a Can!” let me explain: Victoria’s eldest son was christened Albert Edward, but upon assuming the throne was entitled Edward VII.

Prince Albert, King Edward - not confusing at all

Tuesday Tangle – Time to hire a Maid

2011-01-31T18:38:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

I was once again thwarted by this week’s Tangle. This is one of those puzzles where it just doesn’t seem as if the solution should work – but it does, and it’s incredibly simple...

Time to hire a Maid

Two flatmates, Andrina and Luke, hate housework. One Saturday morning, when their flat is in a terrible state, they finally decide to tackle the mess head on.

They have three tasks:

Wash the dishes.

Mow the lawn.

Vacuum the carpets.

They have only one vacuum cleaner, one lawn mower and one sink with room for one person. Each task, when done by one person, takes one hour. What is the shortest amount of time Andrina and Luke will need to complete the tasks?

(Solution below)

Links Make The World Go Around

2011-01-31T12:15:00.000-08:00

Gentle Reader,

More fun from the internet, loosely based on literary leanings:

1. Passive-aggression can be hilarious, so click here...

OK, I’m going to allow myself this one, on the grounds that it broadly fits into “all things literary”. This site is hilarious. If you have ever received a passive-aggressive note from a house-mate, colleague, or even a random person who doesn’t like how you parked, then you’ll be able to relate to this site. Some of these notes are justified, some not so much; but they all beautifully capture the quivering indignation –and in some cases, outrage – of a person who thinks they’ve been wronged. For a lesson on expressing emotions, we writers could do a lot worse than take a leaf from the passive-aggressive notebook.

2. To learn that there's no trick to being a novelist, click here....

During the month of January, The Writeaholics Blog has featured posts from new and established writers, who have written about their first year(s) of writing. Your blog hostess was featured on this Sunday. Click here to read about my early writing journey, complete with mutant bull-chickens, faulty GPS systems, and even a bit of Confucian wisdom!

3. For eight ways to win the heart with your novel, click here...

I recently stumbled on this blog post, which is particularly inspiring to those who ever have, or ever hope to write a novel: Eight Ways to Win My Heart... With Your Novel

Clickedly-clickedly-click!

Charlotte